Charlie Sheen in One and a Half Men…and a Trainwreck

“I said stay off the crack, and I still think that’s pretty good advice, unless you can manage it socially. If you can manage it socially, then go for it, but not a lot of people can, you know?”

There you go America. That’s the star of your “#1 Show on Television”.  I am in no way surprised that the star of TWO AND A HALF MEN, which I consider to be the worst scripted show on television, (though I’m sure MTV probably has something that could compete for the title) is a self promoting crack-head.

However before we get further into that, for anyone who has been tricked into thinking the afore-mentioned show is actually funny, please, watch this clip minus the laugh track and try tell me it’s still good.

This show is the most formulaic piece of nonsense on television. Every episode is like a cookie cutter mad lib where you just change the names of the girls Sheen is banging. Just slightly edging out THE BIG BANG THEORY as the worst sitcom on TV, it also happens to be the most watched sitcom in America. CBS has a very simple formula they use for all their shows. Find something easy to replicate, and pound the hell out of it.

“What’s that, CSI is popular? Well then, let’s hurry and make CSI: Miami, CSI: New York, NCIS, NCIS: LA, Criminal Minds, and Criminal Minds: Suspect Behavior.”

Now it’s easy for people to say: “So what if it’s bad, I’m entertained by it.” Well the problem there is that they are settling for mediocrity and worse. While they are watching this crap, they are missing out on quality shows elsewhere, and it’s showing in the ratings.

Perfect example: COMMUNITY vs. THE BIG BANG THEORY.

COMMUNITY is one of the most innovative shows on TV. They continue to push sitcom stereotypes with their self-awareness and talented ensemble. It’s a wonder this show is on Network and not cable, where most of Today’s best programming lives.

However, despite critical acclaim and network backing, this show is on the bubble. Why? Because old/uninformed Americans only turn off CBS when American Idol is on.

These 2 shows are on in the same time slot, and while COMMUNITY repeatedly gets better reviews, BIG BANG wins the ratings battle in a landslide every week.  COMMUNITY is without a doubt the smarter, more original show, yet can’t compete because people have settled for CBS quality programing. NBC, which is currently in last place of the Big 4 networks, has arguably the best comedy lineup. Thursday nights should be owned by NBC like they were in the 90’s with Seinfeld, Fraiser, and Friends, but instead they are losing to everyone. And the ironic part is that their most successful show in the line, THE OFFICE, is a mere shell of its former self. When that show was truly excellent early on, no one watched. And that case is the same with PARKS AND REC, 30 ROCK, and COMMUNITY. I’ve yet to speak to anyone who has seen both COMMUNITY and BIG BANG and actually prefers BIG BANG. This leads me to believe people are too content watching the crap on CBS to expand their horizons.

To me TWO AND A HALF MEN and THE BIG BANG THEORY represent everything wrong with the modern sitcom. In what is possibly a new golden age of television, this 2 black holes are sucking promise out of future programming. Their ratings guarantee the green lighting of similar garbage in the future, which means more quality shows will be canned. Have people forgotten what killed the American sitcom for years? I thought we were moving AWAY from Urkle-esqe catch phrases…

Anyhow, BIG BANG THEORY is simply a bi-product of the excrement pumped out by TWO AND A HALF MEN. Some of you may remember when SEINFELD was about to go off the air and NBC offered Jerry and the other principals a million dollars an episode to stay on the air. It was a big deal. Then a couple of years later the FRIENDS cast netted themselves a millions per. Well do you know what Charlie Sheen makes? 2 million per episode. Yep, the show that is revitalizing everything wrong with sitcoms from the pre-reality TV days, has also made Charlie Sheen TV’s highest paid actor ever. If you remember, before SURVIVOR and BIG BROTHER (Both CBS shows by the way) television was much more scripted. People however got feed up with inferior writing and cookie cutter sitcoms. That’s what spurned the reality TV craze to begin with. And now here we are again, making the same mistakes over.

Earlier I called this a new Golden Age of Television. And I believe that. Growing up TV was always looked down upon. Inferior entertainment, save a handful of shows. Well in recent years HBO, SHOWTIME, AMC, and FX have all upped the ante. Some of the shows coming out now put to shame most of what Hollywood produces. Even on the networks, shows like PARKS AND RECREATION* and MODERN FAMILY are doing their best to create quality programming. [*Editor Note – I openly admit Season 1 of Parks and Rec was terrible, but it’s gotten really good now] But CBS insists on pimping this garbage to us.

ANYHOW, back to Charlie Sheen…

Mr. Sheen, whose most recent stint in rehab has shut down production on TWO AND A HALF MEN [Thank God] called in yesterday to Fox Sports Radio’s “The Dan Patrick Show”, and gave a 28 minute impromptu interview. Part of which can be heard HERE. Below I’ve included some excerpts from the rest of the interview…

1. About his sobriety: “I was sober for five years a long time ago and was just bored out of my tree. It’s inauthentic — it’s not who I am. I didn’t drink for 12 years and, man, that first one [drink], Dan. Wow.”

2. About any morality clause in his contract: “I haven’t read it, but I don’t think it covers ‘Let us totally dominate and interfere with your personal life.’”

3. About Two and a Half Men producers forcing a hiatus: “It’s like, I heal really quickly. But I unravel pretty quickly. So get me right now, guys.”

4. About his advice to the UCLA baseball team to stay away from crack: “[There were] rumors that I’ve had problems with crack, so it just came out of me like poetry. I said stay off the crack, and I still think that’s pretty good advice, unless you can manage it socially. If you can manage it socially, then go for it, but not a lot of people can, you know?”

5. About whether he’s more valuable to CBS than former MVP (and impending free agent) Albert Pujols is to the St. Louis Cardinals: “We’re both on the talent side. And when you become a commodity it’s sort of on a different level. Just because I’m a humble guy, I’d like to think — I’d like to believe that Albert is [more valuable].”

Oh God I wish he would’ve claimed to be more valuable than Pujols…