Cinemax’s Femme Fatales: 107 – Haunted

Haunted starts out with an ominous voice over, implying things are about to go wrong. This is no surprise as we open on 2 people standing in a pentagram, reading from what appears to be a very old book. This is ‘Horror Movie Classic’ for “everyone is screwed”.

As predicted, things quickly deteriorate and our book reader ends up DECEASED. At he got laid first though. But then his companion went and got the old crazy eye and that was all she wrote.

I loved the beginning. It was a vintage as it comes to the old ‘Haunted House’ motif. Pentagram – Check. Old Magical Book – Check. Unexplained desire to summon a Demon that will ultimately murder you – Check. It’s got it all! So they summoned a demon successfully, but as is normally the case, it spelled trouble for all involved, and during the sexy-time, Abigail kills poor Eddie. Then kills herself. That was in 1924. Now jump to present day…

A ‘Ghost Hunters‘ type of show called “Fright Finders” is brought in, along with famous Medium/Demonologist Dr. Holly Brown, to prove the house is in fact NOT haunted so that the owner – Tom Lenox (Great Grandson to Edward) can sell the place.

Perhaps the most shocking part of the whole episode is when they first arrive at the house and Lex and RJ reference Scooby-Doo. The 3rd member of their team, suppossedly the ‘brainy one’ – Susan – has no idea what they’re talking about. What the f–k!?!? Really? That is outrageous! She should’ve been kicked off the team right there and then.

So the team enters the house and perform as séance, which of course awakens Abilgal and the demon.

Lex (the skeptical one) remains skeptical despite the clear evidence presented before him, and is convinced Dr. Holly Brown is a fake. Because he is an idiot.

Come on – Tell me this isn’t the most genuine looking Demonologist you’ve ever seen…

And because it’s always a sound idea to split up after something like this, the whole group splits up and goes to separate parts of the house. RJ sets up surveillance equipment, while the rest of the gang seems to just wonder around aimlessly. Then Abigal shows up in Tom’s room…

And OF COURSE Tom, just like his great-granddad has sex with the ghost-demon, because hey – why not. Oh that’s right, because it’s a f@#king ghost-demon!  And obviously, she kills him. Because that’s what ghost demons do. No huge loss there. Let move on.

So far the episode has played like any haunted house movie you’ve ever seen, except its on fast forward…and there are more boobs. Lex then displays his disdain for classical music in a fit of whining.

After this he witnesses some ghosts screwing, which, you guessed it – gets him in the mood for banging. Luckily for him, Holly is now possessed by the demon and looking for some action. This bang session comes at the price of Lex’s life, but at least we got some more boobs…

It’s after this event that Susan (Ms. Clueless about Cartoons) figures out what’s happening and all it took was a flat out conversation with a ghost before she added it up. She rushes inside and grabs RJ so they can make a hasty escape. Once outside though, they encounter Holly…

You know, even with Demon eyes, Holly is stiller hotter that the average medium…

But then ‘Ms. Who is Scooby?’ pulls out the books she stole from the ghost and does a quick impromptu exorcism. Anyone can do that right? So the Demon is forced from Holly and they all live happily ever after.


Wow. Not so happy after all…

Overall, this episode was actually better upon the 2nd viewing, and Holly was super cute. The show has really done a good job of ranging genres and making it work on several different levels.

3.5 Bears. 

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