#21 – Countdown to Christmas: SANTA’S SLAY

When is the best time of year to watch a great slasher flick?  Perhaps you’re thinking about October, near Halloween. Maybe a Friday the 13th lands during the month and you need some Voorhees in your life. But I hope you haven’t forgotten about one of the best seasons of all.  I’m talking about ‘Holiday Horror’.  If you like Gremlins, then you like holiday horror.  Or maybe you saw Fast Times at Ridgemont High, and loved anything with Phoebe Cates ever since.  I don’t blame you.

Wether you spin dreidels, or hang stockings, holiday horror flicks are a delightful treat that enhance the truly horrific qualities of our favorite holidays.  It is the most wonderful time of the year, so why not incorporate some gratuitous violence with your yule tide cheer?  For a fantastic example, check out Santa’s Slay starring none other than WCW wrestling superstar Bill Goldberg(Just so all you Wrestlemaniacs are well aware, he does throw his signature move, “The Spear.”)  This all-star line up also includes James Cann, Chris Kattan, Fran Drescher, and Rebecca Gayheart.  Oh wait, never mind.  They all get axed within the first four minutes.  This is a true sign of slasher genius.

The plot revolves around Nicholas Yuleson (Douglas Smith).  A young teen struggling through the holidays with his bah humbug grandfather.  Luckily he has his girlfriend Mary (Emilie de Ravin of “Lost”) by his side.  The plot may have borrowed some ideas from the Rosemary’s Baby playbook.  The film shows us there have been two immaculate conceptions.  God and the Virgin Mary giving birth to Jesus Christ, and Satan with the Virgin Erika giving birth to none other than Santa.  See what they did there?  They switched the position of the “n”.

Are you devastated right now, knowing that Santa has been a spawn of Satan this whole time?  You must be thinking, “Wait, Santa brought me toys and ate my cookies for all those years.”  Well, it turns out the only reason Santa has been so “nice” is because he lost a bet 1000 years ago.  What was the game?  None other than curling.  Has this story sucked you in yet?  It should.  If not, then you just down right do not have any holiday cheer.

So his 1000 years of service are up, and in Santa’s words himself, “I’m just here to spread a little yule tide fear.”  Santa is back this Christmas and this time, he is on the naughty list.

His first target is Hell County.  For you Michiganders, we recognize that, Yes, there is a Hell, Michigan. His transportation itself is a force to be reckoned with.  Have you ever seen a flying buffalo? Me neither.  But I have seen a Hell Deer. Santa’s Slay eliminates any cuddly reindeer with electrical noses, and replaces it with one giant gruesome looking ‘Hell Deer.’

So why is this a must-see film to incorporate into your holiday tradition?  It is everything you love about the notorious B-Film, while touching on seasonal treats.  There are aspects of slasher flicks that have become cliché, but being cliché also means they have a winning, and somewhat expected formula.  I expect to see some dick and fart jokes.  You can’t tell me ‘Sergeant Dick Zucker’, and ‘Captain Caulk’ wasn’t done intentionally.  I expect gratuitous nudity.  Santa is sure to stop by the local eyesore, GoldDiggers.

GoldDiggers being a strip club frequently visited by the corrupt Pastor Timmons.  Don’t worry, his future is cloudy with a chance of impalement.  Above all, I expect some interesting and outlandish death sequences.  The death count does not cease to impress.  Thank you, Goldberg!  I mean, Santa!

I want you to check out this flick.  Nay, I NEED you to check out this incredible gem of the holiday horror genre. Santa’s Slay is the rum in my egg nog.  I give it 5 out of 5 candy canes that have been sharpened into stabbing tools.

For more COUNTDOWN TO CHRISTMAS – Click it Here! 



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