Review: True Blood Season 5, Episode 1 – “Turn! Turn! Turn!”

True Blood is back, let the people rejoice!

As per usual, the premier of a new season of True Blood is an hour in which nothing really happens.  I have a good feeling about the story lines that are being set up, though.  Or, should I say, I feel much better about them than the time-wasting garbage with the faeries like last year.  I still don’t understand the point of them.  It seems like a long and unnecessary set up for Sookie to just have magic flash hands.

Ed. Note – Get it? Magic Flash Hands? Boom.

Anywho, back to the premier at hand.  The episode picks up right where last season left off and takes us in many weaving directions.  As Eric and Bill clean up the mess of killing Nan in Bill’s office, Bill leaves a message for his progeny, Jessica, stating that she is in charge while he is away.  Eric and Bill, who are apparently now bosom buddies, are captured outside Bill’s mansion by the Authority.  These two wild and crazy guys are thrown into a trunk to be transported to what they believe is certain death.  After making a Towncar burst into flames with a hook umbrella (which was a little more MacGruber than MacGyver), the two are rescued by Nora, who Eric promptly makes out with.  He then reveals to Bill that Nora is his sister.

Now, this is Louisiana we’re talking about.  Incestuous relationships must flourish on the bayou like Spanish moss and Lyme disease.  However, Nora explains that she and Eric are siblings not by human birth but by vampiric – they share the same maker, Godric.  That makes it a little less weird, I guess, like they were both adopted and don’t share DNA.  Or maybe it’s like those confusing feelings you get when you think your new step-sister is hot.  Either way, she gives both Eric and Bill new identities, which came in real handy when they were immediately found and captured again by the Authority.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Jessica is living up her new freedom by having a college party.  Doe-eyed Jason shows up more in love with her than ever, especially after she rescued him from the “gay, American vampire” Reverand Steve Newlin.  Jessica would rather play quarters and rock band with 20-year-olds who are clearly getting 2.0’s in their General Education degrees.  Poor Jason.

Terry and his marine friend, Patrick, are getting weirder and weirder.  Arlene explains to Patrick that the family suffered a house fire recently.  Patrick reveals to Terry later that he also suffered a house fire, as well as several others in their old military unit.  In fact, two of them are dead.  Patrick came to visit Terry to see if he were the reason behind it, if he had caused it all.  Something is making them all connected.  It’s like another Final Destination.  Maybe they were all supposed to die in Iraq and now fate is coming after them.

Alcide breaks the news to Sookie that Russell Edgington is not only alive, but on the loose; and he begs her to move in with him.  What Alcide doesn’t know is that crazy Sookie killed his ex-girlfriend, Debbie.  So after she turns him down for what seems like the millionth time, he goes back to the werewolves who have Sam in their custody on a belief that he killed their pack leader.  When Alcide tries to tell them that he himself is responsible for the pack leader’s death, Sam still plays the hero and takes the fall for it.  And then I stopped caring, because these werewolves are boring and annoying and pointless.

Sookie has her hands full cleaning up her kitchen again.  Lafayette is staying with Sookie for the moment because he’s still reeling over the fact that he was possessed and killed his boyfriend, Jesus (who’s body is now missing).  Lafayette and Sookie beg Pam to turn Tara into a vampire so she doesn’t have to die; and the two are buried in Sookie’s back yard in hopes of a transformation.  The end of the episode cuts off as Tara springs from the grave and attacks Sookie.

We’ve been given quite a bit to munch on before next week.  What will Tara be like as a vampire?  To be quite honest, I could have lived with Tara being offed completely.  Her character was getting a little stale.  Maybe vampire Tara will be much more interesting, who knows.  What will happen with Eric and Bill?  We know the Authority don’t mess around, but how will they get out of this scrape?  What is the connection with Terry, Patrick, and the rest of their unit?  Is Reverend Newlin back, or was he just a red herring to throw us off?  How many more people will die in Sookie’s kitchen?  The answers to these questions we hope to gain by continuing to tune in to True Blood!

Ed. Note – I would also bang Eric’s sister. Just saying.

I give it 3/5 Grizzly’s, for sucking way less than last year.