THIS IS NOT ‘The Dark Knight Rises’ Review

I have recently moved to a town without a theater. This was entirely based on work, so I did not have much choice in the matter, as I would never voluntarily move 40 minutes away from a theater. This has greatly hampered my movie watching ability. I saw The Avengers opening weekend luckily enough, but I just saw Amazing Spider-Man and will not see The Dark Knight Rises until the end of the weekend. So when it came time to assign one of our Bomb Droppers the joyous task of reviewing TDKR, I realized I still really wanted to review it. So C Tan suggested I should do it anyway, just BS using vague adjectives and fake plotlines I’ve gleaned from the trailers. I had one thing to say to his suggestion.

So here we go. This is not The Dark Knight Rises review.

The anticipation was high in the theater as the opening commenced, introducing us to Bane. I felt comfortable and slightly hungry. As Hans Zimmer’s score reverberated throughout the theater, the musicality of it was on par with his previous works. You can immediately tell that Christopher Nolan is in the director’s seat as his name flashes on the screen. The keen eye to detail and the capture of moving images is overwhelming yet underwhelming in a bizarre but completely regular style.

As we finally see Bruce Wayne we realize some time has passed, but he still has the hair and features of the character we’ve come to know. The mantle of the bat has weighed heavily on him, but the city of Gotham is changed considerably from when last we saw it. Christian Bale wears the character of Bruce Wayne like it was his own, and Gotham is still very city-like with its buildings and streets. Bruce and Alfred engage in a few depressing yet witty conversations, with Michael Caine using all his British might to portray his British character.

As the movie moves forward we are introduced to some of the new cast, while visits from old characters are few and far between. Most have died, so that was certainly no spoiler. Marion Cotillard made a lasting impression, that woman from Inception who is stunning in this pic below and the movie itself.

I really just wanted another excuse to use that pic again. The new characters are a welcome addition, and really add to the cast that make up the movie. JGL plays a rookie cop like he was born for the role, and is a desirable comrade for Commissioner Gordon, who continues to play the senior cop like he was born for the role. Tom Hardy’s Bane is convincing and intriguing, and sufficiently motivated to succeed in his goals. His physicality is clear and he makes an exceptional if not expressive adversary to Batman. I feel like he was born for the role.

Bane releases the inmates from Arkham Asylum as a part of his plan to take down Gotham’s Wall Street and show Batman who really rules the city. He also devastates a football field after losing a bet on the disappointing season the Gotham Rogues have had. Villainy is a fickle thing. And a fickle thing are the villains. I say villains as we are soon introduced to another new character in the shape of a nice little form fitting outfit known as Catwoman. The woman in the suit is none other than Anne Hathaway as Selina Kyle, a character who has a long history in moving pictures. This lycra/spandex/latex blend was born for the role.

As Batman and Catwoman get acquainted, JGL  spends time nursing Commissioner Gordon back to health after a spill trying to take the Batpod out for a spin. It wasn’t pretty. We learn of John Blake’s (JGL) troubled past as a male prostitute on the streets of Gotham, before Batman spinning heel kicked him in the head and gave him some loftier goals.

An epic scene full of epic music mixed with high heel clicks on a hardwood floor and a rooster being manhandled by a goat. Bane continues to be unresponsive, and I can never tell if he is smiling. As the climax of the movie winds to a head I want to make sure not to spoil anything, but Bane and Batman collide in a battle of wits. And muscles. And vehicles. However their true motivations are soon revealed in a free hug contest that proves forever more who will control Gotham City.

I’ll leave you with that cliffhanger. As always Nolan’s camerawork was full of images and motion, and the score was loud and noticeable. Christian bale’s raspy rendition of ‘Gotham in the evening’ brought down the theater. Another high point was Catwoman’s outfit, which really clung to the impeccable body of Anne Hathaway. I feel like this could be movie of the year, and maybe even eventually movie of the week. While I was hoping Morgan Freeman’s narration of the highly controversial JGL/Gary Oldman sponge bathing scene would continue throughout the awkward silences, I have no complaints.

I give no Grizzly’s to The Dark Knight Rises, and will in fact expect them to return some Grizzly’s to myself in an expedient manner.

This was not The Dark Knight Rises review. I apologize for wasting your time.

I disgust myself.

You can check out the actual review here.

2 thoughts on “THIS IS NOT ‘The Dark Knight Rises’ Review”

  1. I thought the sponge bath scene was seminal. If you know what I mean. I also liked the ending, where Catwoman is blowing Batman, and shes like “It won’t get hard!” and he’s all “SWEAR TO MEEEE” and then he RISES… into her pussy. Bam. Credits. Brilliant.


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