THIS IS NOT the “Dredd 3D” Review…

So when the time came for us to review the new Dredd 3D I was like sure, why not? I’ve heard things about the movie, the character and the actors. I’ve seen posters and trailers that showed some footage and a couple of pictures. All good stuff. So I made plans to go out and see it opening night with some friends. Yes, by friends I meant snacks. Anyways, imagine my surprise when I was in the video store, (yes, there are a few still alive) and I saw that they had somehow gotten an exclusive release of Dredd, on VHS no less! So I picked up some friends… sorry, snacks… and headed home to watch it. I gotta say, I don’t know what all the hype was about.

So first off I gotta say how surprised I was to see Sylvester Stallone in this movie.

Not only Sly himself, but Rob freaking Schneider! I didn’t know he was allowed to be in movies that aren’t made by Happy Madison. We enter Mega City One, and for a futuristic city I have to say the images were all wrong. The style of the gang bangers, the Judge’s, the vehicles, the city, it all had a very 90’s aesthetic to it. I wonder if that was a conscious decision by the director to show the fragility of our lives and the constant cycle we are doomed to repeat.

The story progresses much as you would expect. Dredd shoots some people and takes his mask off a lot and barely speaks English. Schneider hangs around talking fast in what I presume was meant to be funny but really comes off as whiny and annoying. In a movie where I imagined very little humor… My expectations were correct. Very… little… humor. Rob Schneider does have a funny line when he mimics Stallone’s catchphrase of “I am the Law!”, which I swear I’ve heard before…

Anyways, Dredd gets banished from Mega City One by Armand Assante (I think, but I wasn’t paying attention. Dropped an M&M), yet another name from the past. They really dug deep for these actors. I swear I heard that the guy who played Bones McCoy was going to be in this, but he never turned up. Where was I? Oh right, Stallone got banished, but fought his way back, dragging Schneider along with him. Eventually he clears his name and is made a Judge again, but fails to do his duty and put a bullet into Rob’s brain. Admittedly, I fell asleep a few times throughout the movie, so that may have happened. I don’t remember.

Now let’s talk a little about the costumes. While Dredd’s certainly resembles the comic version, I couldn’t help but think he paid the costumer a couple hundred bucks to enhance his codpiece, if you know what I mean. And what I mean is that is one enhanced codpiece. Like mega enhanced. Codpiece. And damn those are some shiny shoulder pads. Really, in this 90’s looking dirty street, you manage to keep those shoulder pads polished? Unbelievable.

I wish I could say the costumes were the worst part, but man there is some terrible acting here. From everyone. Stallone certainly looks good for his age, but his acting has actually decreased along with some old man muscle mass. When I think of him in The Expendables and then filming this movie I’m assuming right after, there’s a big difference. It almost makes you wonder how he ever had a career. And the worst, most hated part about this movie is all those cool scenes in the trailer are nowhere to be found. All that slow-mo, action filled violent gory shit that you expect from a movie like this was apparently cut and left on the floor to make room for 34 “I am the law’s” and no boobs. Yeah, not a single boob. Like, what’s the point, right?

I award this movie no Grizzly’s, and may God have mercy on our souls.

Apparently this was not the Dredd 3D review. It has come to my attention that I reviewed the wrong movie. Sorry for wasting your time. I feel silly.

Check out the real review here, and for more of THIS IS NOT… well, you can figure out where to click.

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