As per usual, the premier of a new season of True Blood is an hour in which nothing really happens. I have a good feeling about the story lines that are being set up, though. Or, should I say, I feel much better about them than the time-wasting garbage with the faeries like last year. I still don’t understand the point of them. It seems like a long and unnecessary set up for Sookie to just have magic flash hands.
And I thought Piranhas in 3D were enough, now we get a shark? It’s a mystery to me why no one has ever tried to do a scary shark movie since Jaws, sure they could never hope to come close to the perfection that was Jaws, but something genuinely scary would have been good. Instead the closest thing we have had is Deep Blue Sea which was painfully mediocre, and a slew of terrible (Yet hilarious) made for SyFY movies such as Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus, Blue Demon and Sharktopus.
From the director of two Final Destination movies and Snakes on a Plane, the plot of Shark Night 3D is very basic. A group of young adults go to a lake house that is located on a small island to party hard for the weekend, but little do they know is that the waters are inexplicably populated by a shark or sharks. Hmmm… must be a salt water lake. Gore and chaos ensue as they try to get off of the island. Check out the trailer below:
I know it looks like the generic ‘creature feature’ horror movie, and the story is ridiculous, but I actually have hope for this one to be genuinely creepy. I’ve always had an uneasy feeling being in water so deep I can’t see what’s below me, so seeing sharks in a lake where they aren’t supposed to be is kind of unsettling. Not that it could ever happen… right?
And thankfully they didn’t go the Piranha route and intentionally make it ridiculous with a bombardment of old washed up actors. The only recognizable actor I saw in the trailer was Joel David Moore from movies such as Avatar, Dodgeball and Grandma’s Boy and the TV show Bones.
So here’s to hoping that we get something scary out of Shark Night and not just another movie like Piranha that should have skipped the theater and hopped straight onto SyFy. I’m sensing something that will at least outdo Deep Blue Sea and their stupid smart sharks that looked like inflatable rubber pool toys.
For those of you who don’t know about everyone else, but I’m so ready for another Final Destination movie. Seriously, I laughed at more in the third and fourth sequels than during most recent comedies. I know that may sound sick, but the deaths are so ridiculous in the movies that it’s really hard not to. These are deaths befitting Looney Toons characters not real people.
Granted, the movies should probably be strictly straight to DVD at this point but if you have a whole bunch of idiots (this guy!) willing to shell out ten bucks a ticket for some cheap laughs in shitty 3D, then they’ll still be theater releases. Check out the trailer below:
I honestly thought that they were trying to make the movie a little on the scary-serious side but there was no such luck once you seen the guy on the acupuncture bed fall off onto the floor. It looked really God awful. But hey! Tony Todd is back!
Regardless of it’s levels of suckiness, if me and about six friends can all get together and go see it so we can be the only ones in the theater laughing: I’m all in! Please comment below on this monstrosity of the cinema!
What Ever Happened to Original Summer Movies? It’s Okay, I Made a Solid List For You to Watch…
When I volunteered to do an article about summer movies, I felt right at home. Ever since we were in high school, Doc Kronner and I would set up movie events in the summer where we would gather scores of friends together to partake in the best and worst movies of the season. But they were event movies for a reason, we would always debate afterwards whether one movie was better than the other, how much it impressed us or let us down. It was great times to be had. Needless to say, I had my list of ten movies that I was looking forward to. A solid ten in my mind that I could get myself excited about.
Then I got the bomb dropped on me. I had to do the article that involved no sequels and no comic book movies. That kind of made me blow up my list and start from scratch. The tent pole pictures of the summer were all comic book movies or sequels. I actually had to research what was coming out this summer in order to write this article. However, I’m glad it worked out this way, because I think I have some stuff you guys need to check out. Not because it has a built-in fan base, but because it just looks damn interesting and it’s about time we covered something original for the summer, right? So in chronological order, I have some summer movies you need to check out that are either original, or might be flying under your superhero radar.
Bridesmaids (May 13)
Now, I hate the marketing team that keeps begging this the female equivalent of The Hangover. It should be expected considering the massive success of the movie, but remember when The Sweetest Thing was supposed to be the solution to the R-Rated female comedy? Let’s keep the comparisons on the down low and look at the basics. You have a Kristen Wiig starring vehicle. Check. She wrote it too? Check. Maya Rudolph, Rose Byrne, and Ellie Kemper? Check. Aww, sweet, Jon Hamm? Yeah, sign me up. As long as the Target Lady or Gilly doesn’t show up, I’m game.
Hesher (May 13)
Okay, technically this film has been around since early 2010 doing the film circuit run, but it’s finally getting a wide release this summer and it’s definitely going to be way under the radar. It’s my job to make sure you see this movie. Joseph Gordon-Levitt stars as Hesher, a bad-ass troublemaker that enters the lives of T.J. (Devin Brochu – Rubber) and his dad (Rainn Wilson) after the loss of his mother. Natalie Portman is also in this movie, and since she is the only reason I would ever punt a small animal just so she can say ‘hi’ to me, that means I would be seeing this movie. But the thing is, this movie is supposed to be awesome. Even without Natalie, I think I would still be talking about how we need to see this movie. The trailer’s nice, go check it out and see why Gordon-Levitt is starting to become one of my favorite actors.
Super 8 (June 10)
This is the closest movie to an ‘event flick’ on my list. Amongst my friends, I think I was one of two that actually made it to the end of Lost after six seasons. I actually DVR’d Undercovers too, so that shows I am a J.J. Abrams slappy. However, the guy is a great storyteller, and Spielberg endorses him, so you know you are going to get a visual treat. And lens flares. Like, a million of them.
Regardless, this has Kyle Chandler(I will always carry the football for you Coach Taylor) and it has a childhood nostalgic feel to it. Abrams combined the plot of a monster/alien movie getting loose with a dramatic idea he had about growing up making Super 8 films with his friends, and getting fascinated with filmmaking. Yet another coming of age movie, but throw a little action and sci-fi in there and you get probably the movie I most look forward to on my list.
Also, Julie Bowen is also in it, so it’s another reason to see if she yells an awkward, “HAPPY LOOK OUTAH!”
Cowboys & Aliens (July 29)
Yeah yeah, it’s based off a graphic novel. I don’t care, I need to mention this movie, which is also the second movie on my list that screams ‘event movie’. James Bond, Indiana Jones, Olive Wilde, Sam Rockwell…uhh, hello awesome cast? I remember seeing the first teaser trailer one year ago where no one knew what the movie was until the title card came. I remember people in the theater groaning asking aloud, “You cannot be serious…” I then turned to my girlfriend and she turned to me and said, “We have to see that on the title alone.” And that is why I hang out with awesome people. But I digress. It’s a high concept movie, but with Jon Favreau behind the lens I think we will be good hands. Or we better hope so because he passed on Iron Man 3 and Avengers for this. That has to count for something, right?
30 Minutes or Less (August 12)
Aziz Ansari is a genius. He’s probably the best sidekick to have in anything media related, because he steps in with the best observations or reactions to make awesome comedy. With Jesse Eisenberg playing straight man to Aziz’s manic best friend, that should be on the list. If I attempt to explain the plot, I tend to lose interest because it sounds pretty weird. Just know that Eisenberg digs Ansari’s sister, has a bomb strapped to his chest, and must rob a bank so Danny McBride can hire a hitman. See? How that’s how you set a tease.