Cheesebadger here! Sometimes I like to get different viewpoints on Raw from different people, just to make sure I’m not insane. I think it’s beneficial every once in a while to let somebody else give their opinion, so this column isn’t just “F–K SHEAMUS” every damn week. That being said, my friend Tressa is an avid Raw/WWE fan, and has plenty of great opinions about the show, so I’m happy to have her share them here. Now enough of me, you’ll get more of my inane commentary next week! Take it Tressa!
This week on Raw, the WWE Universe was treated to what was supposed to be Jim Ross Appreciation Night, but instead could easily be classified as a mediocre show. It had its promising moments, but they were few and far in between. Let’s take a brief look at what we saw on this week’s episode.
Antonio Cesaro got an impressive win over Brodus Clay, who for some reason still has a job. Even in spite of facing a lackluster opponent, Antonio Cesaro continues to blow me away with his in ring ability. The fact that the man was able to lift up Brodus Clay for The Neutralizer is mind blowing, and his persona is far from run of the mill. Antonio Cesaro’s hot streak in the WWE continued on Raw with a vulgar display of power (name that band), over the Funkasurus.
Zack Ryder on the other hand has got to be getting sick of not getting a legitimate push in the WWE. I may be alone on this, and I hope I’m not, but does anybody else see Ryder as having more worth than being a tune up match for Miz? The Miz had his push, and it fell flat on its stupid face. It’s time to let him get run over by a few wrestlers who have a little bit of potential, instead of allowing him to continue winning pointless matches. With that being said, you may have gathered that the Miz picked up a win over Ryder on Raw, and to my disgust.
The Miz is awesome.
The tag team tournament continued on Raw with a decent match between Primo and Epico vs. Sin Cara and Mysterio. To anybody who has paid even some attention to Raw over the last few months, the outcome of this match should have been about as predictable as an Undertaker match at Wrestlemania. The WWE is clearly building up the Mysterio/Sin Cara tag team, for some reason. Sin Cara did manage to make it through this match without botching anything too badly, but I saw nothing spectacular out of him either. To me, it’s fairly evident that the tag tournament is going to come down to either, The Rhodes Scholars or Mysterio/Sin Cara getting the tag title shot at the end of the month. With still a few weeks left before the PPV, this has yet to be determined.
R-Truth and Kofi seems to be fizzling out faster than pop rocks in a can of soda. Half of the time, we now see them in singles matches with the other one there at ring side for moral support or whatever. Tonight was no different as we saw Kofi in a singles match and Truth and little Jimmy doing nothing but watching. In my opinion, it’s time for Kofi to move on as a singles wrestler, and let Truth either do the same or take a hike over to TNA, brother!
Now onto the red head (Not you, Heath Slater), I’m talking about Sheamus. Sheamus pulled double duty tonight, as he was a part of a debate with the Big Show, and also a singles match with Damien Sandow. The debate was a time-filler, as expected. However, any boredom suffered with the debate was cured with what may have been the match of the night between Sandow and the Irishman. Sandow is going places for sure, but I’m slightly confused with the decision to team him with Cody Rhodes as a tag team. I personally would like to see what Sandow is capable of as a singles competitor before resorting to putting him with somebody else.
The only way Seamus could get worse.
Now onto the head honchos of the show:
The Ryback’s character is leaving fans with more questions than answers. Tonight, during an uncomfortable confrontation between CM Punk and Jim Ross, we see The Ryback come out to defend Jim Ross. This would seem like its purpose is to further build a rivalry between The Ryback and Punk, but for what reason? The WWE Universe is already fully expecting a Cena vs. Punk match at Hell in a Cell, and a The Ryback/Punk rivalry does nothing more than offer a filler rivalry for the next few weeks until Cena is back from elbow surgery. You’ve got to believe that the WWE has more in store for CM Punk and The Ryback than just a three week testosterone filled violent soap opera full of uncomfortable stare-downs. Ah the confusion of being a WWE fan!
The Ryback? Hell no. Punk only fears Slenderman.
On a side note, who else felt like the Punk/Ross segment would have been that perfect moment to hear some glass breaking? A Stone Cold Steve Austin fan can only wish the WWE writers were that interested in pleasing the crowd.
What was the main event you may be asking? A tag-team match of course, and one with no grand purpose at that. Why oh why, does the WWE’s creative team of writers feel like the fans get anything out of watching these oddly concocted tag team main events? I can just see it now:
A room full of suits at the WWE headquarters are all sitting around a big round table, and at the far end of the table is a stand with a dry erase board. On the board, there is nothing written except, “Raw 10-1-2012, main event?” A bunch of writers sit around scratching their heads until a light-bulb goes off in one’s brain, and he heroically runs to the board and writes, “Tag Team Match!” The whole room turns into an uproar of applause, and they all breathe a sigh of relief because they are all safe for one more week.
Let’s push Yoshi Tatsu! HAHAHAHAHAH. No, nobody wants that. Okay, we’ll just go with Cena again.
Okay, now back to reality and a burning question that was posed earlier. Why does anyone from the WWE’s higher ups think that these tag matches are anything more than a big waste of time? Please, if anybody has an answer to that question, hit me with it. I can’t be the only person annoyed with Raw’s main events lately.
The show concluded with team Hell No, getting a victory over CM Punk and Dolph Ziggler. Ziggler left halfway through the match and Punk was left to get choke slammed by Kane before losing by pinfall. Oddly enough, we didn’t see Dr. Shelby tonight which to me was a bit of a letdown. I feel like the Dr. Shelby segments have provided some of the most entertaining moments the WWE has had in quite some time.
As I said in the beginning of this article, Raw this week could easily be described as mediocre. I thought last week’s episode made great strides in the show finding its place in a three hour time slot. This week however, it seemed to take a few steps back. If I were to score Raw, I would probably give it a 5.5/10. There was nothing spectacular, but nothing that made me feel like watching the Cowboys vs. Da Bears would have been a better option.
Anytime AJ referees she has to do this, and it’s pretty spectacular
For those of you who were unaware, the WWE’s premier episode of “Main Event” is this Wednesday on the ION channel, and will be headlined with a CM Punk vs. Sheamus non-title bout.
Tonight’s Raw opens up with CM Punk’s music, but instead of ol’ Punk walking out, we get Paul Heyman, strutting his way down the ramp. He begins talking about last night’s PPV, Night Of Champions. Last night, we saw a bunch of surprises, but mostly we saw another great match with Punk and Cena. As much as I dislike Cena, his whole invincible schtick works well with a guy like Punk. Punk has always done well in his career, when he’s fighting against impossible to defeat super-wrestlers, who kick out of everything and might as well be God. It creates a dramatic tension that works really well, and it worked well, right up until the end of the match. Paul Heyman touches on this, by describing how the Referee made the right call, by calling the match a draw.
For those who didn’t see Night Of Champions, the match was a roller coaster. Towards the end, Cena tried a german suplex from the top rope, and pinned CM Punk for the 3 count. However, he forgot to bridge, and lift his shoulders off of the mat, thus making Punk, technically pinning Cena, for the 3 count as well. The match ended with the Referee reversing his decision to call Cena as the winner, and re-called it a draw, which in a championship match, means the champion retains the title. Cena, of course, found this infuriating, and was seen demanding the match continue. This is relevant for one main reason, one i’ll touch on later.
Heyman brings out the Referee from that match. He applauds the Ref’s judgment and shows some video a fan shot on their camera phone, clearly showing Cena’s shoulders on the mat. He starts saying how CM Punk is worthy of our respect, and a moment after he says the word “respect”, Cena interrupts, and runs down to the ring. He gets interrupted by a few strong CENA SUCKS chants, and then agrees with Heyman about the Ref’s call. He tries to make some ham-fisted point about the ending being disappointing, because the Superbowl shouldn’t end in a tie, and that it should have gone on, and all that noise. This is where I have to admit that Cena is correct, yes, I did want to see that match end definitively. I definitively wanted to see it end with Punk remaining champion, and seeing that that happened, I’m 100% fine with it. He asks if that victory entitles Punk to respect, and Heyman says Yes. Personally, I think you can’t earn what you already should have, and do have, by the sound of the still very loud pops Punk gets from the crowd, but I digress. Eventually Cena challenges Punk to a rematch, because, duh. Heyman says Cena will hear it straight from Punk, the moment he arrives. He proclaims himself the Voice of the Voice Of The Voiceless, which is goddamned hilarious.
Suddenly Alberto Del Rio arrives, and that’s a shame. Not because I dislike ADR, I love him, but because the second his music sounded, I already knew this was turning into a tag team match at the end of the show, with ADR and Punk, and Cena and Sheamus. Because shitty GM’s always do this, and as much as I want to like AJ The GM, she’s a terrible one. She’s as bad as Teddy Long, and holy crap, her hotness only goes so far towards making me not hate her. She’s uncreative, her “crazy” affectations are getting forced, and worst of all, she used to be the most developed, nuanced and interesting female character they had in the WWE. Now she’s just another boring, shitty GM. It’s a shameful thing. Lobster head.
Just like I thought, Alberto whines about his loss to Sheamus, and AJ appears. She makes the tag team match, and I start barfing uncontrollably, and wonder why the hell I watch this crap, goddamnit everyone else stopped 12 years ago, what am I doing with my life?
What? Sorry. Ahem.
Back from the break Michael Cole gives us all amazing news about Jerry Lawler, and gives a wonderful, pleasing greeting to him live on air, knowing he’s watching at home. He even shows this heartwarming Tout from Lawler, thanking his fans for their support.
It was really nice to see Michael Cole giving good news, and acting like himself, rather than the sometimes shitheel announcer guy he can act like. Suddenly, we’re introduced to Lawler’s replacement(s!): JBL, aka John Bradshaw Layfield, Aka Bradshaw, who is a goddamned great commentator. He’s followed by goddamned Jim Mothereffing Ross, and hearing Michael Cole and Jim Ross side by side, brought back pleasant memories. Even more interesting, was hearing JBL take on the “heel” commentator role throughout the night, and Michael Cole, kinda-sorta adapting to becoming the “face” commentator, which was surpassingly refreshing. JBL works as an amazing heel commentator, and Cole worked well as himself/a face commentator, and JR was good ol’ JR.
Sin Cara & Rey Mysterio take Primo and Epico through the cleaners, which isn’t a surprise to anyone. They jump and flop around all over the ring, right up until they beat Primo and Epico. After winning, The Primetime Players show up, and beat down Sin Cara and Rey Mysterio, and proclaim themselves truly worthy of the #1 Tag Team contendership, which was stolen from them. In a way, it was kinda unfairly taken from them, so I get their point. The problem with them, is they took to damn long being at the #1 spot. Shit or get off the pot, as my mom says. So now that there’s new tag team champs, the #1 contenders spot for it is heating up, and potentially, we’ll see Sin Cara and Mysterio getting that spot soon.
The main problem I have with Sin Cara and Rey Mysterio, is that separately, their style can adapt and work with other wrestlers, who help make the match feel improvised, fluid, and real. Sure, Mysterio always manages to make his opponents magically land in such a way that they’re resting their head on the middle rope, but generally he works well. Sin Cara, all botched moves aside, is a guy who really has a hard time masking (sorry) the overtly rehearsed nature of his move set. The both of them together, the thing seems less like a tag team match, and more of a rehearsed series of spots, that just happen to involve Primo and Epico. They’re being built up as a team right now, and hopefully they’ll learn to complement each other better in the future.
Last night Eve won the match against Layla for the Diva’s championship. Now, Kaitlyn was supposed to be the one getting the title shot, but she was apparently attacked before the match, and couldn’t compete. The moment I saw Kaitlyn attacked, I already knew this entire storyline and exactly how it’d play out. We’ve seen Eve being super friendly, nice, and exuding great sportsmanship in general. Of course, everyone suspects she’s up to something, because in the WWE being a good sport, or nice, or using logic are somehow bad traits to be looked upon with suspicion. So what I imagine happened is this: Eve gets herself in the good graces of Booker T, secretly attacks Kaitlyn, counts on being her replacement, becomes said replacement, wins championship, Kaitlyn shows up at some point, accuses Eve, Eve denies it for a few weeks, then reveals her master plan eventually, becoming a heel again.
It’s mostly stupid, but it also undermines the idea that good sportsmanship is something to be encouraged, and instead is a sign of behavior to not be trusted. What’s the difference then between any heel who turns face, when all good behavior is inherently shady, by the virtue of casting doubt on everyone for no reason other than “I don’t buy it”? How do you encourage positive character development? It’s a self-perpetuating cycle of mistrust, poorly implemented moral values, and at worst, a bad message to promote to children. It creates an environment where an immature, racist, criminal character like Sheamus is lauded and loved by millions of fans, despite his behavior being entirely inappropriate in any sort of real life setting. Who the hell encourages this, especially for their children? I find this sort of thing far more damaging for kids to watch, rather than any of the “mature” content that they had in the Attitude Era. Sure there may have been blood, and boobs, and chauvinism, (okay so that’s pretty bad), but it carried a TV-14 rating, and it was repeatedly stressed that parents should consider discretion when it came to letting kids view the show. Now, it’s TV-PG, and while there’s less blood or violence, and the misogyny is downplayed (a little), there’s a far worse moral message, that’s incredibly backwards, and counter intuitive to basic societal norms, where people acting like shitheel racist thieves are you know, demonized for their actions, rather than celebrated.
Shit, I went and turned a whole segment about Eve into how much I hate Sheamus again. goddamnit. Anyhow, Eve wins. Layla yells at her about being a phony or something, I dunno, I need a drink dammit. Screw Sheamus.
So as much as I love the One Man Band, there’s no way he’s beating Funkasaurus. Claudio Castignole Antonia Cesaro is at ringside, commentating on the whole thing, but he doesn’t really do anything. For a brief, shining moment, Heath Slater actually starts to beat down Funkasaurus, and in that moment, my heart swelled three sizes, anticipating a tremendous upset to the match, where Heath Slater pins Funkasaurus, stands up, and starts singing his ONE MAAAANNNN BAAAAA AAAAAA AAAAANNNND song, and all the children run up and dance with him, the Funkadactyls embrace him, and he looks down at the beaten Funkasaurus, who slinks away defeated.
Kinda like this.
But no, Funkasaurus squashes him with his fat, and pins Slater for the win. Then he dances, because duh, what else is he gonna do?
Slaters gonna slate.
There’s been a long tradition of wrestlers coming out and pretending to be talk show hosts for a minute or two. Rowdy Roddy Piper had Piper’s Pit, Jericho had his Highlight reel, and Edge had The Cutting Edge. Now we’re adding MizTv to that list. You know, I’m not against it entirely. The idea of it anyway, seems fine to me. The Miz has always been better on the mic than in the ring, and while he’s definitely improved in the latter department, he’s still a better talker, and I think he knows it. Unfortunately this segment was trash. Booker T is invited out, and Miz taunts him about being unfairly punished by a 4 way match for his title, which he believes was unfair. He refuses to let Booker T speak, until Booker grabs the mic from him forcibly, when Miz starts saying how Booker T’s time is over, and he’s washed up and whatnot.
While he’s not wrong, the audience chants BORING, which I, and JBL agree with, because JBL is awesome and we’re buddies. Booker then makes some weird transition into announcing The Ryback’s entrance, who chases Miz out of the ring, and then starts chucking all of the MizTV furniture out of the ring. I half expected him to start ripping up the furniture pillows, and eating the stuffing inside, while yelling FEED ME MORE. He didn’t but he did start saying his catchphrase, and the audience loved it. The Ryback is massively over, it would seem.
Backstage, we see CM Punk and Paul Heyman apparently talking about how AJ is abusing her power, until they’re interrupted by Josh Matthews. He asks Punk if he’s looking forward to teaming up with ADR, and Punk says he isn’t, and questions what he has to do to get some respect. I’ve gone in detail about this before, so i’ll just reiterate it simply; Punk deserves respect. Heel or Face, he deserves it. Period. How does he not? There’s no way he hasn’t earned it, and people who say otherwise must have a terrible memory that prevents them from remembering his currently 300+ day reign, or nearly all of last summer. That’s just in WWE, by the way, if you include his ROH career, then you’d be retarded not to respect him.
This was a great match for 3 main reasons.
1.) Ziggler destroys Santino, as he should. I was fearing for a second they’d job Dolph out to Santino, thusly weakening Ziggler, rather than strengthening Santino like I’m sure they wish.
2.) Ziggler steals that stupid cobra sock from Santino, thus disabling him of his Cobra Powers. He then taunts him with it, calls him an idiot, and a joke. All things I’ve personally wanted to do to Santino for months now.
3.) JBL points out how stupid the Cobra and Santino are, and how great a coach and manager Vickie is.
So Ziggler beats Santino, by taking away his stupid arm sock. Something nobody else has thought to do, ever since Santino started putting that stupid thing on. Finally.
We cut to a clip of Wade Barrett from Smackdown, issuing a promo about how tough he is, and shortly, we see him enter Raw. It was a surprise to see former Nexus members against each other, and the audience even commented on that fact, by chanting WE WANT NEXUS repeatedly through the entire match. Wade Barrett controlled Gabriel throughout the whole match, but the entire time Gabriel never came off as a shitty jobber, just a guy who was outmatched by the more dominant Barrett. In that sense, it was one of the better matches I’ve seen, when it comes to building a wrestler for a comeback. I almost called Barrett new talent, because his entire demeanor, character, and style has changed, and all for the better. The guy’s finisher is a punch, which more or less is the same as Big Show’s WMD, but from him, I can buy it, what with the Bareknuckle Boxer gimmick as his background. I think they just need to add some kind of build up to it, like him taking off his gloves/tape, to sell it, and it’d get over just fine. Barrett won, but the whole match made me look forward to more of him, and more of Justin Gabriel, which is something I never thought I’d type. Good job guys!
The imaginary person he just punched is now dead.
Backstage we cut to R-Truth, trying to put a party hat on Little Jimmy. We never actually see what happens to the party hat, but presumably it falls to the floor. It could be argued it was just floating in mid-air, and that was just off-screen, proving Little Jimmy is real once and for all, but I may be looking too deep into justifying Little Jimmy’s existence. The reason Truth is putting a hat on Little Jimmy, is it’s Subway’s birthday, and for some reason a sandwich company’s birthday is being celebrated by him and Kofi Kingston.
Suddenly, Jared from Subway shows up, and offers sandwiches for R-Truth, Kofi, and even Little Jimmy. Soon after they leave, Damien Sandow shows up, and suggests a sandwich made of Cornish game hen, Gouda, and Zucchini reduction, which sounds… actually kind of good. Jared offers him a meatball sub instead, and Sandow takes it, because not even the most stuffy pretentious guy can hate on a meatball sub. That shit’s delicious. Zack Ryder shows up, pitching a sub named after his catchphrase, but is given an italian BMT instead. Jared looks concerned, and the camera pans to reveal The Ryback standing there. Obviously, he says FEED ME MORE, and takes two sandwiches and leaves. It was a funny enough segment, but without The Ryback making it worth it, would have been a pretty terrible attempt at blatant product placement. Not that that’s something the WWE isn’t uncomfortable with, because entire segments that revolve around product placement are pretty much their advertising lifeblood. Mostly, it made me want a meatball sub, so I guess it’s mission accomplished in that regard.
“Dine wholesomely!”
We then see Sheamus and John Cena talking about how awesome they both are, and how they’re gonna win, and never give up, and all of that crap. Also racism. Goddammit, I hate this shit. Where’s my whiskey? AND WHY ARE THOSE KIDS ON MY LAWN AGAIN?!?
Thankfully after this,we cut to Daniel Bryan and Kane both intermittently yelling I’M THE TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS at people’s faces, as they ready for their rematch against R-Truth & Kofi Kingston. Last night, at NOC, they beat them both for the Tag Team Championship, but couldn’t come to a resolution as to which of them won the match, and are actually the champions. So they started yelling “I’M THE TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS” at each other, both proclaiming to be the “champions” themselves, purposely referring to themselves as the plural of champion.
You’re both the champions guys, C’mon. Hug it out already.
The match itself was a good example of how to highlight the difference between a successful “paired” tag team can be, versus an unsuccessful one. Kofi and Truth both have their jumpy, flashy move thing going on, but absolutely no chemistry. R-Truth is a charismatic, interesting insane person, who is dragged down by a boring, unlikable, lousy wrestler like Kofi. Conversely, Kane and Daniel Bryan bring the best out of each other, and their move sets fill in each of their weak spots. Bryan’s not a heavy hitter, but he’s got technical prowess and tenacity. Kane’s not that agile, but what he lacks in agility and stamina he has in pure raw strength.
On top of that, they’re both hilarious in backstage segments and angles, and their whole anger management gimmick has been working in spades. The match just demonstrated this over and over again, as we saw Truth and Kingston both try to isolate Daniel Bryan from Kane, but Daniel Bryan is good enough on his own to take on either of them easily, and despite Kane and Bryan working against each other, when it came down to it, Bryan ran in their to secure their championships. Sure, his motivations may have been selfish, but the fact is, their gimmick works. All Kingston and Truth ever had were matching clothes, with a ripoff of the Superman logo, with Kofi’s weird Rastafarian/spider head logo thing in the middle. Kane and Bryan beating them, was no surprise, but because of their chemistry, it wasn’t boring either. Plus Daniel Bryan using the Hug It Out tactic to reclaim his title from Kane’s clutches? Brilliant.
It’s hard to imagine they hugged shortly after this.
Wow. The two least charismatic wrestlers in the WWE today. I hate both of these guys, and not in a passionate way like I do Sheamus. I don’t even want to write about them anymore. Randy Orton wins, because he’s Randy Orton. There. Done. Ugh.
After that shiftiest of a boring match, we cut backstage to Heyman and CM Punk talking again. They interact with David Otunga, who insults Punk on Alberto Del Rio’s behalf, and CM Punk has Heyman remind him of Punk’s defeat of ADR last year for the title. They trade faux platitudes of respect, and we’re finally treated to a breath of fresh air from the stinky fart cloud of awful that was that Orton-Tensai match. (I really hated it).
Damien Sandow appears, denouncing Summer as a terrible season (Yeah! Eff Summer), and begins educating all of us, by going through a series of vocabulary words. What’s great about this, is the entire audience seems to HATE a wrestler trying to educate them, or make them smarter in any fashion. Sure, Sandow’s picking a strange setting to give us that lesson, but hell, why not? Why not educate the unwashed masses on the meaning of a few big words? What do you hate learning? WHY DO YOU HATE LEARNING WWE UNIVERSE? KNOWLEDGE IS POWER, REMEMBER?
Anyhow, Zack Ryder comes out, pulling off his best ignorant-and-proud-of-it Bro routine, and slams Sandow. Quickly, he announces that they have a match that’s suddenly been approved by AJ, and they begin wrestling. The match itself was actually pretty good. Zack Ryder’s ability seems directly proportionate to the skill level of whoever he’s working with, and sometimes I think he’s great, and other times I wonder why I ever thought he was great. It’s really weird, and makes me wonder why that happens. However, Sandow clearly is talented, and their ability to work together made for a pretty great match, which actually made Ryder look like he was going to cleanly beat Sandow, up until Sandow got the upper hand and ended it with his finisher, getting the pin, cartwheeling, posing, and then conducting his own music out of the ring.
You know, the best thing about this match was that they’re polar opposites in terms of character, and rightfully should be natural enemies. Zack Ryder is the quintessential “unwashed mass” that Sandow is always speaking of, and the uncultured, unrefined anti-intellectual that Sandow has always been saying he’s going to save us from. They should fight more, and make the whole thing into a wrestling battle of wits, with Ryder representing the ignorant proletariat layman, and Sandow the cultured bourgeoisie dandy. Why not?
This whole match, aside from being yet another Tag Team match shoehorned in as a main event of a Raw, was another example of how John Cena, despite being the go-to honest, tough guy, is always as hypocritical as any heel. Be it his constant bullying of people who can’t fight back, (announcers like Michael Cole), or pulling stunts like he did at the end of this match. Along with the fact that we’ve seen Alberto Del Rio and Sheamus fight, probably a million times now, always with Sheamus winning in lame, unsatisfying, or dishonest ways, the match seemed very by the numbers. After the thrill ride that was last night’s match between Punk and Cena, this whole thing seemed very by the numbers.
After a few minutes of all of them wrestling, and myriad LETS GO CENA/CENA SUCKS chants, the match came to a head with Cena landing an AA on Punk, and pinning him. However, the Referee did not see Punk getting a foot on the rope, thus effectively negating the 3 count. Unfortunately, the lamebrain Ref doesn’t see this, despite totally obviously seeing it, and counts 3 anyway. This is particularly infuriating, because even after being shown his fault on the titantron, the Ref refuses to reverse his decision, or restart the match. Cena takes the win, and as quickly as possible, leaves the arena, apparently accepting the Ref’s decision as final, despite evidence that he clearly shouldn’t have won the match.
This is when JBL makes the exact point I was thinking, and says how hypocritical Cena is for not demanding the match to go on when HE WINS, despite the Ref’s call being terrible. Apparently it’s okay when a Ref makes a shitty call resulting in his win, but when a Ref makes a good call, that results in a draw, all of a sudden that’s NOT RIGHT AND SHOULDN’T HAVE ENDED THAT WAY. Sickening.
CM Punk follows the shitheel Referee out of the ring, and up behind the titantron, screaming at him the entire way, until the show ends. Rightfully screaming, I might add, because I was just as furious as he was. Who does this? Who watches blatant video of themselves making a mistake, knowing full well they can right it, and then refuses to? If you ask me, the whole thing was terrible, and Punk is lucky Heyman was there to hold him back, and calm him down, lest Punk get punished for attacking a WWE official.
Although if he did, it would have been justified, because that Ref clearly didn’t respect him.
There’s nothing better than trying to predict the outcome of a predetermined sporting event. But that is exactly what I’m going to do before this Sunday’s Pay Per View event.
Randy Orton vs CM Punk – Last Man Standing
This feud has been ongoing for way too long for them to not end it tonight. Last Man Standing usually means someone is getting their ass kicked definitively, so I’m fully expecting CM Punk to get his ass handed to him once and for all, so Orton can solidify his role as main attraction on Smackdown. If you think about it they are on separate shows and the feud is really run it’s course. It’s time to end it.
WINNER: Randy Orton
Jerry Lawler/Jim Ross vs Michael Cole/Jack Swagger Country whipping match
I’m not exactly sure what a whipping match is except that people will be whipped. In this tag match, unless Cole is getting beat into a coma I could care less about. The Lawler/Cole feud is about as drawn out and old as the Orton/Punk feud, except with less entertainment. Michael Cole was funny to an extent in the beginning and I know we all need someone to hate, but let’s leave that to the wrestlers and not the commentators. This thing has been going for close to a year it seems like, and Cole is just downright annoying to the point where I almost hate watching Raw because he disrupts it so badly. And he says everything three to four times over in the ring which is very annoying when you can hear him clear as day.
Winners: Jerry Lawler and Jim Ross (hopefully)
Alberto Del Rio vs Christian
Ladder Match for the World Heavyweight Championship
With the World Heavyweight belt vacant, Del Rio and Edge’s best buddy Christian will be duking it out in a ladder match to decide who the next champ will be. You might think with Christian being the master of ladder matches, Edge’s friend and all around likable guy, that he would be the one to win it. But I have to disagree because it seems like they’ve been all about Alberto Del Rio for quite some time, building him up over the course of last year as a major contender and hated heel. It all culminated in Del Rio’s Royal Rumble win and eventual championship match against Edge. Then he lost to Edge at Wrestlemania… didn’t see that one coming.
It’s pretty evident they found out about Edge’s health woes and need to retire just before Wrestlemania 27. They weren’t going to have him lose in his last match ever, so they just delayed Del Rio’s victory until now with the title vacant. Edge gets to retire a champion and Del Rio gets to win the title finally and score tons of guest appearences on Univision. Everybody wins!
Winner: Alberto Del Rio
Rey Mysterio vs Cody Rhodes – Falls Count Anywhere
This match is yet another long, drawn out feud that has run it’s course. Like a lot of the other ones it was fun at first but has definitely overstayed it’s welcome. I like what they did to Cody Rhodes, switching from pretty boy to masked freak. (even though it’s pretty apparent that not much was wrong with his face.) I see no reason for Cody to win this one. He’s a heel that is narrowly on the jobber level.
WINNER: Rey Mysterio
The Miz vs John Cena vs John Morrison
Steel Cage Triple Threat Match
The words Triple, Threat, Steel, Cage and Match should fill any wrestling spectator with glee. But for some reason I’m not all that excited for this match. It could be that two of the participants were involved in this past Wrestlemania’s worst main event in the history of the WWE. John Cena and the Miz = boring. So you’d then think I’d be rooting for John Morrison, but I’m not. Seriously? A guy wearing sunglasses with the worst tan ever, calling himself the Prince of Parkour? There’s no one to root for period in this one. There should be a triple disqualification that somehow makes the title vacant. But that won’t happen, so I have a feeling that the Miz will still hang onto the belt for this one. Of course it will be a cheap bullshit win, because they haven’t wrote the monkey faced turd of a champion winning the old fashioned way. I’m thinking R Truth will interfere to blow it for Morrison and win it for Miz.
WINNER: The Miz
Well those are my two cents. I’m hoping this pay per view will at least be mildly entertaining but with all the rehashed replay matches they have scheduled make me skeptical. I’m pretty sure almost everyone of these matches except the Del Rio one occured in one form or another at Wrestlemania 27.
Either way comment below and let us in on your own predictions!
After what seemed like a long wait between Raws, tonight’s broadcast started off with John Cena’s moronic diatribe about how big his match against the Rock will be next year. Seriously John, I’ve already forgot about it because it’s a whole freakin’ year away, so let’s move on. And move on we do as Randy Orton enters the arena and gets in the ring, stating that someone who actually won their Wrestlemania match should get the next shot at the Miz. Orton is in turn interrupted by the idiotically named Prince of Parkour John Morrison. This guy is the last one I would want to see as a champion or even getting a title shot. Seriously, half the time he doesn’t even land his specialty move, but they just move on like nothing happened. This carries on for a few minutes as Dolph Zigler and R Truth both also come out to plead their case until the anonymous general manager computer chimes in. He or she states that a 5 man gauntlent match will determine who faces the Miz at Extreme Rules. (The next pay per view)
Before the commercial break we are told Edge has a big announcement, with rumors abound that his career is over. I kind of doubt it. Also we get to see Jack Swagger vs Lawler again, for the third time. If Lawler wins, he gets a piece of Michael Cole (again!) and if not he doesn’t. It would almost be worth seeing Lawler lose so the whole Michael Cole feud is over because I’m a little wore out from it.
When we return from commercial break there’s a strange promo with some crazy broad with an unseen face flicking the head off of a doll. Maybe it was Cole’s mom or something. Anyways, our first match in returning from commercial is Brie Bella vs Eve for the Divas Championship. Eve has the referee mark Brie’s hand so they can’t pull any of their switcheroo shit. Unfortunately through some distraction, Brie face plants Eve and pins her, effectively winning the Diva’s belt.
I’m not sure which one is Brie, but who cares right?
The next match is the Raw debut (first match) of new talent Sin Cara. It’s a refreshing change to see a new guy facing a jobber like Primo instead of all the usual guys fighting in the same matches week after week. And Sin Cara did not disappoint, because this guy has some crazy ass gravity defying moves going on. One didn’t work the first time but he nailed it the second try and it was so sweet it made you forget about the first one. I’m now eagerly awaiting Sheamus to attempt taking revenge.
After another commercial break we are treated to the Corre bickering with one another until Santino comes out with a group of superstars that he calls the Apple. Get it? Applecore? Yeah I can’t stand Santino either. Everyone in close proximity to him becomes as much of a joke as he is. Plus he looked completely fricking stoned, lord knows he has a terribly hard job being such a week to week turd. His group is made up of Daniel Bryan, Mark Henry and Evan Bourne. After a match that is already started before returning from commercial, we actually get to see Santino kind of wrestle against Heath Slater but unfortunately the horribly named Apple falls to the Corre. How ironic…. or stupid.
Even this guy’s action figure sucks at life…
After what seems like the twelfth commercial we are right into the Lawler-Swagger match. I don’t know what is going on for this episode of Raw but it seems like there are microphones placed all around the ring because we are treated to hearing the repeated droning of Michael Cole the entire match. And he repeats everything about four or five times. It was so annoying I had to mute the tv for the majority of the match. At the end in a gratifying moment, Jim Ross yanks Cole down from the ring apron and as Swagger goes to help him Lawler pins him for the three count. Lawler then makes his stipulation to Michael Cole, stating it will be a tag team match with Swagger whom Cole had just slapped for losing the match. So at Extreme Rules it will be Lawler and Swagger v.s. Cole and someone of his choice. Paint me not excited either way.
And now to Edge. My previous assumption was completely wrong as Edge did indeed announce that he is retiring due to his injuries and advice from his doctors. Even though I was never a huge fan of Edge it is too bad to see him go. He was one of the most popular superstars around at this point and it will be interesting to see who is able to fill the void left by him. I salute Edge for his years he put into the WWE for the fans.
Without further adieu the 5 man gauntlent match begins. It starts off with Randy Orton and Dolph Zigler. Randy Orton seems to have it wrapped up but before he can execute his RKO, members of the New Nexus interfere and Orton loses with a quick pin from behind by Zigler. Orton is then beat down by the Nexus members and they once again prove how badass they are by beating someone three on one.
R Truth is the next contestant and he handily beats Zigler, so it’s bring on the next guy – John Morrison. It’s seeming more and more like we are going to see a Cena/Miz rematch unless Raw actually shows some originality. Not suprisingly, Morrison misses his lame Starship whatever move and R Truth takes him out and has to face John Cena. As the match progresses, I can’t really decide who I want to win. I’ve never been impressed with R Truth and his rapper persona, but I definitely don’t want to see a Cena/Miz rematch. I have to agree with Miz when he says that the people chanting “let’s go Cena” are pretty much five year olds and girls while the “Cena Sucks” chanters are everyone else with half a brain. As the match goes back and forth it appears Cena will win the Miz and Alex Reiley jump in and beat them both up resulting in a double disqualification. Miz did this because he didn’t appreciate the “you can’t see me” gesture directed at him. Afterwards the GM announces that the Extreme Rules pay per view championship match will now be a triple threat match between Cena, R Truth and Miz. I guess that’s better than another Cena and Miz crapfest. Let us know what you all think in the comments section!
Well here we stand, the night after Wrestlemania. Whether you loved it or hated it, there were good and bad things to come of it. One of the good things was evident right at the beginning of Raw with Jim Ross commentating alongside the King Jerry Lawler, as it should be. I’m not too sure if I could handle listening to the phony ass Michael Cole sitting in his glass box for another night. I can handle two commentators and one being a little biased towards one wrestler, but it should at least have some thought put into it. It shouldn’t just be Cole babbling in favor of a heel just because Lawler favors the opposite wrestler. Of course we shouldn’t expect not to see Cole anymore, because Ross brings up a rumor to Lawler of Cole being at Raw and supposedly wanting a match. Didn’t we suffer through that last night?
Probably the most decent match at Wrestlemania 27
The first person to come out and speak at the beginning of Raw was surprisingly not the Miz to gloat about another one of his assisted title defenses, but it was Triple H. He came out to speak about how unbelievable his match against the Undertaker was last night and even went so far as to thank the “Dead Man” for one of the best matches of his life. He also adds that when the Undertaker returns (he was carried out by stretcher last night) that he’ll be waiting. So does this mean that we will see another Undertaker injury hiatus? And that the next Wrestlemania will be Triple H and the Taker again?
Vintage Scum-Bag Cole
In the next segement we are unfortunately subjected to the moronic Michael Cole coming out to challenge Jerry Lawler to a rematch which Lawler happily agrees to and promptly enters the ring. I’m thinking, why do we have to see the same thing we saw at Wrestlemania last night? But then it turns out Cole is talking about Lawler having a rematch with Jack Swagger whom he fought last Raw. Wow… even better we get to see a freakin’ match from before Wrestlemania. Lame. The match goes on for a short time with Lawler getting the upper hand (he still has the moves!) until Cole interferes long enough for Swagger to get Lawler into the ankle lock submission hold to which Lawler taps out. But the call is reversed because Swagger won’t break the hold after the bell. This of course angers Cole who proceeds to spray JR with a bottle of barbeque sauce until Ross goes after him. I really really want Michael Cole to go away. Unfortunately he is back on the commentator scene when Raw resumes from commercial. From barbeque sauce to weak sauce.
“IN THE FACE!”
Thank God that his tirade about Ross ends as Randy Orton’s theme music blares throughout the arena, followed by the entrance of his tag team partner Rey Mysterio. They are set to wrestle in yet another rehash of their opponents from last night: CM Punk and Cody Rhodes. Yawn. Aside from it being the same matchups from last night, it is interesting to see Orton and his former Legacy underling Cody Rhodes going at it again. And I like the mismatched pairing of Orton and Mysterio, because they are polar opposites but both extremely talented in their own way. After a match lasting through two commercial breaks, Orton sets Rhodes up for a 619 from Mysterio which staggers him…straight into a waiting RKO from the Viper. Match over as CM Punk runs away from the ring.
A quick in between matches: Stone Cold Steve Austin is certainly in the building, congratulating a passing Triple H for one helluva match last night. Also there was a promo for the imminent arrival of luchador Sin Cara who was recently acquired by the WWE. It will be interesting indeed to see what he brings to the table.
“And so he did.”
As Raw returns we are welcomed back with Austin coming out to the ring. Unfortunately it doesn’t look like Austin will do any ass whooping as he brings out the cast of Tough Enough to the ring to make introductions. (Austin and Booker T are both on Tough Enough if you didn’t know) None of them really stood out to me except one. Maybe the guy with the afro, but that was just because he had an afro. The other one that stood out was Rima Fakih, obviously because she is super hot and a Michigan native where I hail from. I would absolutely be loving it if she was the next Diva. The Miz, the worst WWE champion since Sheamus, interrupts the whole thing with his butt buddy Alex Reiley. He proceeds to talk down to the Tough Enough kids and promptly challenging Austin to a match. Austin agrees as the ring clears out, but instead of Miz attacking A-Rei does. It was pretty satisfying to see Austin back in action to stomp Alex Reiley’s ass for a couple minutes. Afterwards Austin has a beer with the Tough Enough crew and throws a couple into Cole’s glass turd box to get him wet.
Rima Fakih – Former Miss USA
Even though I’m not a big fan of Alberto Del Rio, it is refreshing to see an original match as he faces off against Evan Bourne. Del Rio was curiously absent his car and usual grinning face as he came out for the match. It’s a typical Evan Bourne match where the little fella is outgunned by his almost always bigger opponent. He manages to execute one high flying maneuver but misses and ends getting put into the crossover submission. Chalk one up for Del Rio, but if he wants to get back on the road to credibility he needs to fight someone a little more formidable than Bourne. And also he needs to get a new car.
Del Rio in Full Spanish Soap Opera Mode
When we returned from a commercial break I nearly gagged on my water hearing Vicki Guerrero’s voice echoing throughout the arena. Apparently we get a matchup of Vicky and Dolph Zigler v.s. John Morrison and Trish Stratus. Almost the same matchup from Wrestlemania last night minus that strumpet Snooki. That should make me happy but I am nonetheless still completely uncaring about this matchup so I’ll keep it brief: Morrison and Stratus win and we all move on with our lives.
WARNING: VOMIT INDUCING
Next on the agenda is Sheamus, who’s match at Wrestlemania was not aired last night. So we are at least treated to a rematch for the United States Championship Belt, with Sheamus defending. I really couldn’t care less about Daniel Bryan. Everything about him is boring, from his look to his theme music. To me he is just not superstar material. Needless to say I was hoping for Sheamus to win and he did. I think he may have found his niche in the WWE with being the United States Champion, because he definitely wasn’t cutting it as WWE champion. Much like the Miz he never defended the title successfully without interference or douche-baggery. Perhaps they can somehow make the United States Championship a legitimate title, especially since the aforementioned Sin Cara came out to stop Sheamus from pummeling Daniel Bryan some more after the match. I believe Sin Cara can definitely bring a little more excitement to the WWE and what it is desperately suffering from a lack of… something different. His super high flying manuever from the top ropes onto Sheamus outside of the ring was definitely impressive. Radical man….
Look out Mysterio… There’s a new masked Mexican in town.
Now to the finale that they have been going on and on about the whole show. “John Cena calls out The Rock”. Lord knows they needed a whole segment for this nonsense of the predictable walking talking cliche John Cena to come out and spew his slang riddled rhetoric. Cena did his typical, “I lost and congrats to my opponent” bit before calling out the Rock, who obliges with a stroll out to the ring. The Rock goes on for a few minutes about Cena and Cena even brings up Rock’s terrible movie “The Tooth Fairy” before coming out with the obvious challenge. The Rock vs John Cena. Even though I hate Cena, it would be a great match if these two went toe to toe. It obviously won’t happen on this Raw and not even in a pay per view this year… they are talking about Wrestlemania 28 next year. I admit I will have forgotten about this in about a month. So someone please remind me about it every now and then, because I’m sure the WWE won’t bombard us with it nearly every week! But it doesn’t end here, the Corre of stupidity decides to run out and ruin the moment before Cena and Rock can shake on it. They have the upper hand at first but are of course pummeled by two of the biggest superstars in the business. Cena and Rock finally shake on it, setting an extremely early stage for next year’s Wrestlemania 28.
The only way Seamus could get worse.
Grizzly Bomb 