Review: HBO’s ‘True Blood’ Season 4, Episode 12 – “And When I Die”

Well, folks, season 4 has finally drawn to a close.  I say “finally” because this season was terrible.  A complete and utter train wreck from start to finish.  But before I get ahead of myself, let’s take a look at tonight’s episode.

This episode had some of the best one liners of the entire season.  When Eric called Nan’s body guards “Gay Storm Troopers,” I peed my pants a little.  Even Jesus got some laughs with his Pokemon reference.  However, a few moments of funny dialogue does not a well-written episode make; and tears I shed during this episode were not born of laughter, but of misery and frustration.

Marnie’s story arc was like a diet drink, a vicious little pretender trying to hard to be good. Meanwhile, I’m left feeling unsatisfied and smacking my lips against a horrible aftertaste. Being True Blood, I was expecting there to be some sort of battle, or at least an epic finish to a story they spent so much time telling.  Instead, it turns into an episode of the Real World for dead people.

SPOILERS AHEAD>>> Antonia talks Marnie down from making Bill and Eric into vampire potato chips, so Marnie has a scream cry and moves on with the other dead people?  Talk about anti-climax.

Review: HBO’s ‘True Blood’ Season 4, Episode 11 – “Soul of Fire”

I wasn’t even sure if this review was going to happen at all this week.  I spent the holiday with my parents, who still watch things on VHS, and do not subscribe to HBO.  I don’t know if the rest of you had problems with HBO Go not letting you log in to the site, but after 45 minutes of trying usernames and passwords not only for myself, but a good chunk of other writers for the site, I gave up.  I will have all of you know that the s’mores I made instead were delicious.

A day late, but I’m still here, providing you my sarcastic diatribe and serving up another helping of True Blood commentary.

Let the spoilers begin…..

I felt like this episode was mostly filler.  At the end of last week’s episode, I was pumped!  Vampires dressed all in black, carrying badass weapons, walking in slow-mo to a guitar riff – I was expecting action, explosions, and swear words.  And though all of these things found their way into this week’s episode, I still felt oddly unsatisfied.  More screen time was spent chanting in a wind machine and trying to fight an invisible force field – I felt like I was watching a high school media project.

The plot line was predictable.  Shit’s about to go down, and there’s F–KIN’ SOOKIE, right there in the middle of everything.  Again.  This girl is such a glutton for thrills.  She gets off on being in the wrong place at the wrong time.  And still, Bill and Eric are willing to die for her, over and over again.  With a damsel in this much distress, these two must start to feel less like knights in shining armor and more like fanged babysitters.

 It also turns out that Marnie is the crazy one, not Antonia.  After Marnie stabs a girl in the heart with a dagger, she casts a binding spell so Antonia can’t leave her, as she desperately wants to do.  The spell she casts is broken by Jesus, voiced by Dr. Claw from Inspector Gadget, cutting himself in the bathroom.

Then the vamps are free to break in and shoot her down; which is a real shame, because they had just gotten the hang of the Thriller dance outside.

 Predictably, Lafayette’s medium abilities come full circle, and he is possessed by Marnie.  Nothing like a crazy witch before bed, it really does the trick.  Like warm milk.  I get that this was an attempt at a twist ending, but did anyone else see this coming about ten minutes into the episode?  The writers have been trying to hint to this for ages and ages, without realizing that their hints are elephant-sized.

While this whole witch business has been a giant WTF, there are a few other notables going on in Bon Temps.

The fairies are back, and apparently so desperate to reproduce that they’ll do it with a sweaty, dirty Andy having drug withdrawals and talking to himself like Gollum.  I was really hoping they were gone for good, Shoot!

Alcide and Debbie are ancient history.  She was pretty close to running away with Marcus, which I totally get.  Why take decent, caring, muscular Alcide, when you can have gangly hate-sex with a man who apparently doesn’t own a shower?  Somehow, she finds the willpower to say no to his advances, and after Alcide kills Marcus, he gives Debbie the boot.  I was assuming their relationship would die of boredom sooner or later, anyway.

 Also, I’m anxiously awaiting the massive breakdown that Hoyt will have when he finds out that his best friend is kanoodling his ex.  It will be classic; funnier than the ‘Monster Box’.

And, as usual, I really don’t care what Sam’s doing at all.

 I give this episode 2/5 Bears because nothing happened.  Nothing.

 [Editor’s Note – While it may not have been as appealing to the female audience, I have to say my favorite stuff this week was actually the Sam/Alcide storyline. Sam proves himself a man, Alcide proved himself deadly, and Debbie, well, she at least looked good in her underwear. But seriously, this was the first real touch of masculinity the show has exhibited in a while. Kudos.]

Review: HBO’s ‘True Blood’ Season 4, Episode 8 – “Spellbound”

Could season four be writing itself out of a nose dive?  I sure hope so.  While I sill can’t say for sure whether this season is definitively getting better, this week’s episode at least made an improvement from the last one for a change.  Let’s delve right in.

SPOILERS AHEAD…

We last left the folks at Bon Temps undergoing quite a bit of scary spellwork.  Antonia, inhabiting Marnie’s body, has gathered quite a coven of followers to recreate her spell which will cause all vampires in the area to daywalk and burn alive in the sun.  Bill has ordered that each vampire in the area bind him or herself in silver until the day passes.  Bill, however, goes a little easy on Jessica and she manages to escape her binds and is attempting to make her way outside.  Jason runs in like a badass and tackles her to the ground.  They then start making out.

Review: HBO’s ‘True Blood’ Season 4, Episode 7 – “Cold Grey Light of Dawn”

Well, with the episodes of this season of True Blood scoring lower and lower quality ratings from me (and let’s face it, I’ve been far too generous), I was not going into this episode with much enthusiasm.  I was, again, underwhelmed.  Behold, another scathing review!

 SPOILERS AHEAD…

Antonia has made up a full-time residence in Marnie’s body.  She casts a spell on Sheriff Baldy who clears the way for her to escape her cell.  He also tries to attack Bill, but Bill overpowers the Sheriff and he is staked and explodes in a mess of bloody vampire bits.  It’s been awhile since we had a good vampire killin’.

 

Review: HBO’s ‘True Blood’ Season 4, Episode 6 – “I Wish I Was the Moon”

Another Sunday, another True Blood.  I was hoping to have a glowing review to write, and I know you were hoping to read one.  Let this be your warning: You may not find it here.

Oh, and also, there are spoilers ahead.

The episode opens in Sookie’s house.  As predicted, Bill storms over to lay the smack down on Eric, who is busy kanoodling Sookie in the living room.

Sookie stops Eric from killing Bill in a really anti-climactic fight, by explaining that Bill is his King.  So what does Bill do?  Captures Eric of course, turning a deaf ear to Sookie’s protests.  Eric may be a danger to everyone, according to His Highness, because he may be under the control of necromancers.  The great, green monster of jealousy has finally reared its ugly head.  Sookie was missing for over a year and comes back only to shack up with his arch enemy.  Ouch.  No wonder he kicked her off his property.  I don’t know which of them I feel sorrier for.

Eric is thrown in a cell with Pam, who’s looking more and more like Two Face.  She pleads with him to remember, to be the Eric she’s been with for over a hundred years.  Eric vehemently declares that he wants no part in the things that he’s done, he doesn’t want to remember them.  And good thing.  He used to be a giant toolbox.

Review: HBO’s ‘True Blood’ Season 4, Episode 5 – “I Hate You, I Love You” or “Me and the Devil”

This season of True Blood is definitely proving to be more and more entertaining.  I didn’t have high expectations, previously with the show having had those expectations hit me with disappointment like being run over by bulldozer.  But with the current plot lines, and especially this new uninhibited Eric, it’s becoming funnier than it ever has been.  Which I appreciate, because vampires have a tendency to be major downers.

This episode, ironically, starts out with Mr. and Mrs. Boring and their son Weirdo.  However, it’s nice to see Tommy actually fight back for once and he ends up killing Joe Lee and his mother in a vicious rage.  Then he brings them to Sam’s house for show and tell; so they do the only logical thing – wrap the bodies in tarp and throw them in the swamp.  The Dateline special is pending.

Terry and Arlene meanwhile try to figure out the best way to make their baby stop being the creepiest child in the universe.  Terry suggests finding a reverend to cleanse the home of evil.  They end up calling Tara’s mom and her minister lover-turned-husband who come over for a sing along with a tambourine and light giant joints to stink up their house.

Eric has a dream about a sleeping Sookie when who shows up – Godric, his maker who ended up killing himself last season.  Dream Godric tries to convince Eric that he needs to stop fighting his nature and drink Sookie’s blood so he can day-walk.  He goes in her room for real and when she wakes up, he says he had a bad dream.  After he cries for a while, Sookie agrees to let him stay in her room to sleep.

Oh and P.S., why hasn’t anyone besides Andy not noticed that Jason has been missing for days on end?  Hoyt thanks Jessica for saving his “best friend” but he didn’t even know his “best friend” has been MIA for, what, a week?  Predictably, as soon as Jason drank Jessica’s blood, we knew the sex dreams were only moments away.  These dreams, however, include Hoyt.

Bill has his hands full with his great great great great great great granddaughter, Portia; who still wants to get in his pants even though she admits that it’s incest.  Sick.  I’m glad he glamored her into being afraid of him, she’s full on psycho.

Jesus and Lafayette are going to Mexico to visit Jesus’ grandfather, who he hates because he made him kill a goat when he was 9.  Jesus hopes that his grandfather will help them un-piss off the vamps and reverse Eric’s memory curse and Pam’s rotten face.

Sookie goes to see Marnie under the ruse of wanting a psychic reading.  Marnie is able to channel Gran; and when Sookie reads Marnie’s thoughts, her Gran’s voice tells her to run away from Marnie because she’s bad news. Marnie gets captured later by Bill’s goons and has another vision of the Spanish witch, Antonia, who was apparently murdered by vampires.  That still doesn’t explain why she hates vampires, though, hmm….

Eric discovered everything he did before he lost his memory and feels so remorseful that he plans to leave Sookie’s house, until she calls him back to make out with him.  He should have left, though, because Pam let it slip that Eric was staying there and Bill has his angry pants on.  Look out, Northman, you’re about to get a vampire-king bitch slap.

Oh, and Alcide is being visited by his local pack master about not registering with the pack.  Blah, blah.  Alcide was wearing a wife beater, so I was distracted.

So this Antonia person that is possessing Marnie, we have found out, is responsible for a multitude of vampire deaths.  Apparently she used Necromancy (control of the dead) to cause a bunch of vamps to wake up and walk through the daylight, causing them to be burned up.  Has she not found a suitable conduit before now?  No one willing to let her possess them?  It doesn’t make sense for her to make herself known after hundreds of years.

While I’m quite sick of half of Bon Temps (Sam, Tommy, Jason, Hoyt, Jessica, Tara, etc.), I will say that most of the story arcs are intriguing.  And call me a silly girl, but it’s about time we got back to some development with Sookie’s love life.  First it was Bill, then Alcide, then Eric, and lately it’s been no one.  It’s about time they explored the Sookie/Eric combination.  Next week we should see quite the blow out between Eric and Bill.

Oh, and I hope Eric never gets his memory back!

A solid 3.5/5 Bears.

Review: HBO’s ‘True Blood’ Season 4, Episode 1: ‘She’s Not There’

The waiting is over!  The much anticipated fourth season of True Blood has finally arrived!  We can now know the fate of our beloved characters in Bon Temps, Louisiana.

We’ve already seen the first 8 minutes of this episode.  You can read our review of this early preview here.