It seems like there are ten Snow White flicks floating around out there, but really there’s only two. One of them stars Charlize Theron, Kristin Stewart and Chris Hemsworth. Before I show you the pictures that were featured at Comic-Con I feel it’s my duty to warn you that Kristin Stewart’s Snow White seems to look like a rip off from Alice in Wonderland armor and all. I’m not saying this to defend that Tim Burton piece of shit, but I think it’s hilarious to see Hollywood’s lack of creativity. I’m sure Sleeping Beauty will be a warrior too, toting around a’ flamethrower or double Gatling-guns. I like Hemsworth and hope the movie can’t be all that bad with him in it. I’ve already enjoyed one go at the movies watching him own people with a Norse hammer, so why not an axe too? Next up is Charlize Theron as the Queen:
The only role I’ve seen Theron in as a villain was Monster, and she was ugly as sin in that movie. But now she’s back and hot as ever (Not doing naked pushups though) along with a persona that Theron describes via Deadline as this:
Theron described her queen as a serial killer, grounded in reality, and that this movie takes the original concept, turns it upside-down, and slaps it around a little bit.
Serial killer? I can deal with that. Once again I’ve already had to see her killing people with her ugly face on, so now I want to see it when she’s an evil hot queen. Kristen Stewart plays the role of perhaps the not so cute and timid “fairest one of all” that the queen wants dead by the Huntsman’s hands. Prepare for the Alice rip-off:
Though the movie hasn’t started filming yet, the screaming fans’ enthusiasm was palpable. Theron got a better ovation here than at the PROMETHEUS panel. Audiences were shown a proof-of-concept short that Sanders made to get the job. A voice-over emphasizes that the theme of the movie is about being confronted with death. Slightly disturbing fantasy images include a white fairy being born out of the body of a crow, giant wooden demons emerging from trees, knights hitting each other with swords and shattering into black stone, the crowned queen bathing in milk, castles on the edges of cliffs, and Snow White petting a giant wolf. This isn’t actual movie footage, and features unknown actors, but gives a sense of the look of the film.
Wow. All of that sounds like maybe Tim Burton should have directed the movie. Hopefully it’s dark and serious instead of dark and mildly retarded like pretty much all of Tim Burton’s movies after Batman.
On that note, let’s move onto the other Snow White, titled The Brothers Grimm: Snow White, starring Lilly Collins as the leading lady.
Lilly Collins as Snow White in ‘The Brothers Grimm: Snow White’
This Snow White also features the always horrible Julia Roberts as the queen after the fairest broad of all, and Ned StarkSean Bean, fresh off his beheading in Game of Thrones, as the King. That guy just loves snow. The awesomely named Armie Hammer portrays the Prince after Snow White’s hand in the film that releases next March, well before Snow White and the Huntsman.
Are you wondering which will fare better? Or are you like me and could give a rat’s ass because you think they’ll both be equally horrible?
Winterfell: Cool. The Wall: Impressive. King’s Landing: Breathtaking. The Eyrie: Intimidating. Yes we have seen some of the most important locations from the Song of Ice And Fire series in the HBO series A Game of Thrones. But there are still so many to come and there are some good ones. I’ve compiled a list of some of the coolest ones that HBO will no doubt make look as brilliant as the ones we’ve already seen thus far. There may be some spoilers below, however minor. You’ve been warned!
SPOILERS! (you’ve been warned again)
Harrenhal
-Ruling Lord: (Currently) House Baelish
Harrenhal is the largest castle in the Seven Kingdoms, but is for most of the time uninhabited due its cost to maintain and the amount of people needed to run it smoothly. It is widely believed to be cursed since every Lord who has had dominion over it has fallen to an ill fate time and time again. I assure you over the course of the series you’ll see it change hands more than once, starting with Janos Slynt who was made Lord of Harrenhal for betraying Ned Stark in “The Pointy End”. Eventually it falls into the hands of one Petyr Baelish though we have yet to see if anything unbecoming happens to him.
Storm’s End
-Bastard Last Names: Storm
-Ruling Lords: House Baratheon
So who wouldn’t want to see Storm’s End, the home of the Baratheons? The castle itself has never in its history been breached during war or by a siege. The only reason the last ruler lost it to the Baratheons was because he was stupid enough to meet them in open combat. The Baratheon’s would probably have never been the new Storm Lords if he hadn’t done that. After the War of the Usurper, Renly was placed as the lord of Storm’s End while Stannis as the heir to Robert was given the traditional island fortress of Dragonstone.
Dragonstone
-Ruling Lords: (currently) House Lannister
Before conquering the Seven Kingdoms of Westeros, House Targaryen made their home at Dragonstone, an island in the Blackwater Bay to the far Northeast of King’s Landing. Everything about the castle of Dragonstone is of course likened to Dragons. Would you expect any less from the Targaryens? From the towers, the walls and even the main kitchen it was dragons, dragons and more dragons. After the Targaryen conquest of Westeros, Dragonstone became the seat of the heir to the present king. So after the Targaryens were forced out of power the island fell under the rule of Stannis Baratheon (brother to Robert) who was none too happy to lose the bountiful lands of Storm’s End for the rocky and poor island of Dragonstone. Sure it looked cool, but it didn’t have much in means of population besides a fishing village. To add insult to injury his younger brother Renly was given command of Storm’s End. That’s the bummer man. Still, I’d like to see Dragonstone on film because dragons are awesome…
Highgarden
-Bastard Last Names: Flowers
-Ruling Lords: House Tyrell
The family of Loras Tyrell, Knight of the Flowers rules over Highgarden, which is a lush and bountiful land further South of King’s Landing. This one may have a wait in being seen on the HBO series because it has not yet been visited in the book series yet. The Tyrells become very involved in the story but their homeland hasn’t as of yet. Hopefully the picture below can give you an idea of what it might look like until we do in the series.
Dorne
-Bastard Last Name: Sand
-Ruling Lords: House Martell
The Martell family don’t really show up until book 3, and we aren’t treated to the location of Dorne and it’s capital Sunspear until book 4. Dorne is located in the southern most part of Westeros, being the only location with a desert. The most interesting thing about Dorne is that they were the only kingdom that resisted the Targaryen’s during their conquest of Westeros and didn’t actually join the seven kingdoms proper until they married into the Targaryen bloodline. The Targaryens allowed Dorne to join the seven kingdoms after that while still being able to rule themselves under Dornish law, in order to entice them into loyalty.
I love Game of Thrones. It has a great story, awesome actors along with the characters they play, and the set pieces and production value on the show are staggering. But if you want to get down to the nitty-gritty, and talk about some of the more primitive likings of the show, then look no further than the gory, and most times inventive ways of people getting killed. From beheadings to burnings, and bludgeoning to maulings, Game of Thrones has a pretty impressive list of ways certain characters died a horrible death. Some made us cry, but the majority of them made us go –“AWWW SWEET!” So without further adieu let’s take a look at the top ten…
Well this is it boys and girls. This episode is either going to make you throw up, crap your pants, cry, or punch something. Whether it’s from hatred of King Joffrey, love of Ned Stark or the ravages of unpredictability. Whether or not you read the books, or you’re a first timer for Game of Thrones, you’ll still be impacted. I told Dr. Kronner I didn’t even want to watch the episode because of what happens in it. Even having read the book and knowing the outcome, it’s completely different watching it on-screen.
Keep reading to find out what could possibly have happened in the episode to make me open the review like this. In the last episode you have a couple major things happening. Ned is now a prisoner of the Lannisters as is Sansa just not in a dungeon in chains. Arya is missing and Robb has called all of the banners of the North to march on King’s Landing to free his father and now is running headlong into a clash with Tywin Lannister’s forces. On the Lannister side, Jaime is commanding his forces against the River Lords of Riverrun whom are the kin to Catelyn Tully Stark and Tyrion has found himself in the predicament of fighting alongside the Hill Tribesmen he enticed to guide him out of the Vale of Arryn with promises of steel.
SPOILERS AHEAD>>>>
The episode starts with Ned still in the dungeon with Varys all but pleading with Ned to make peace and keep Joffrey’s birth a secret and put the realm before his honor. Ned all but refuses and Varys leaves him in the dungeons.
The Twins
Robb and his forces are at an impasse: they need to cross the river using the bridge system at the two keeps known as the Twins. The Twins are held by the House of Frey, their Lord being Walder Frey who is an lecherous piss pot. I actually expected him to be a hell of a lot older looking but he was masterfully played by Harry Potter alum David Bradley, the second one on the show so far.
Lord Walder is met by Catelyn Stark to negotiate terms for crossing at the Twins and Walder makes it abundantly clear that he knows how Catelyn’s father Lord Hoster Tully has always disliked and avoided him, as have the other great houses. But Catelyn is able to convince him by offering to marry one of his sons to Arya and Robb to one of Lord Walder’s many daughters. Robb gives his consent to the arrangements and the Northmen move across the river unhindered.
For Tyrion, life just keeps getting better and better because now his dear old dad has ordered him to not only fight in the upcoming battle, but he will be in the vanguard of the force. The vanguard being the people to move in first for those of you who don’t know. So in preparation for what may be the end, Tyrion has Bronn find him a whore in the camp tp travel with him and we are introduced to Shae, who becomes something of an important character in the coming episodes.
In the scenes with Shae we get to learn more of Tyrion’s relationship with his father and the story of Tysha. Then it is off to battle for Tyrion and the Hill Tribes, but after a rousing speech to his men Tyrion gets knocked out and trampled by their excitement.
By the time he wakes up they have won, but it was only two thousand of Robbs men as he had divided his forces with the other 18 thousand riding off to stop Jaime Lannister in the Riverlands, and stop him they do with the sister-layer’s capture. Jaime tries to challenge Robb to a fight that would decide the war, but Robb isn’t stupid in knowing that he would lose. He refuses and sends the Kingslayer off to be put into a nice set of chains.
Way up North on the Wall, Jon is the talk of Castle Black, even receiving Lord Commander Mormont’s Valaryian steel blade known as Long Claw in lieu of his efforts in saving Mormont from the wight that attacked him. (A wight is a person who is reanimated after being killed by a White Walker.)
Not much else happens with Snow except the conversation with Maester Aemon at the rookery. It turns out that Aemon is the uncle to the Mad King Aerys and he tries to point out to Snow that even though his family was killed by the Lannisters and their bannermen, he stayed true to his oath as a Maester of the Citadel and Jon should do the same instead of rushing off to rescue Ned and fight alongside Robb.
Daenerys has some major problems going on across the Narrow Sea, as Drogo’s wound is becoming worse and he is literally falling out of the saddle. His blood riders are distrustful of Daenerys using Mirri Maz Duur to try and nurse Drogo back to health, one of them pointing out to her that once Drogo dies that she is nothing.
Jorah urges Daenerys to flee with him to Asshai before Drogo does pass but Daenerys refuses to lose her husband and authorizes Mirri to use ‘Blood Magic’ to heal Drogo, which many of the Dothraki are not too keen on. She leaves her husband, his sacrificed horse and Miri to complete a ritual which honestly sounds creepy as hell. We finally get to see Jorah in action as he fights one of Drogo’s blood riders to stop him from interrupting the ritual. The blood rider gets a joker smile from Jorah to end the fight. Daenerys is about ready to give birth as Jorah carries her into the tent where the ritual is still happening.
Now to the biggest part of the episode, where I’m sure many viewers might stop watching the show or realize what a fantastic writer George Martin is. As Arya is trying to survive in the streets of King’s Landing, some kids inform her that the Hand of the King is being brought to the Sept of Baelor. At the sept, Ned is brought before the masses and the King and his cohorts. He spots Arya and in passing tells the Night’s Watchman Yoren where she is and Sansa also stands at Cersei’s side to watch her father… as he confesses to attempting to murder Joffery and betraying the realm to take the throne for himself.
*Warming Glow
All lies of course, but Ned wanted to save his daughters and was content to serve on the Wall as Cersei planned. Joffrey however has other plans as he order Ser Ilyn Payne to behead Stark on the spot with his own sword ‘Ice’. The scene was beautifully shot, following the book pretty much exactly from what I can remember in reading the book. Like I said above though, seeing the scene on film even had an emotional impact on me knowing what was going to happen so I am curious as to what first timers of the series thought of the moment when Ned Stark met his tragic end. I know people say he made terrible and stupid decisions but Ned was truly doing the right thing and acting honorably as every knight and lord in the realm is supposed to, but unfortunately no one else out there is honorable enough. As Robert said, it’s all about backstabbing, money-grubbing and ass licking. No one cares about the good of the realm or honor. I’ll admit that the scene with Ned dying did cause me to tear up and it could not have been portrayed any better.
I give this episode a 4.5 out of 5 bears. It was a little slow but still managed to fit everything in without feeling bloated or rushed. The finale next week will have some great moments in it, though it might not be as memorable as this one. This episode should remind everyone who watches the show that no character is safe and that there aren’t always happy endings. George R.R. Martin is a genius and the show will only get better in the coming seasons, so get ready everyone! Season Finale next week!
If you’re a fan of ‘House Stark’ then I hate to tell ya, things are not going well. At the end of last episode Ned was betrayed by Littlefinger Baelish, and his men all killed as the Lannisters secured the throne for themselves. This episode continues where the last one left off, with the bloodbath against House Stark continuing, and the Lannisters killing every member of their guard and household.
SPOILERS AHEAD>>>
They also attempt to take the Stark girls prisoner. By attempt I mean that the Hound finds Sansa and with no resistance at all, takes her captive. Arya on the other hand escapes the Lannisters thanks to her ‘dance teacher’ Syrio. The scene with Syrio fighting off the Lannister men was even better than I imagined in the book. He schooled them all, and with a wooden sword no less. Bravossi don’t mess around. Arya escapes, but not before accidentally running through some fat kid her age with ‘Needle’, as he was trying to take her before the Queen. That’s the Bummer Man. And Ned himself now enjoys his new home…in the dungeons.
It doesn’t take long before the other Starks learn of Ned’s supposed treason. Robb hears about it in a letter from Sansa, that was carefully dictated by Cersei Lannnister. It asks that Robb swear fealty to the new King Joffrey. Robb refuses to do so, and tells Maester Luwin to call the Northern Bannermen to raise arms and march against the Lannisters. It was a nice touch to show all of the ravens flying from Winterfell to deliver Robb’s summons.
Catelyn on the other hand finds out at the Eyrie, and asks crazy Lysa for the support of the Vale in fighting the Lannisters. Of course Lady Crazy refuses, for fear of her retarded, still breast fed angel Robert. That kid needs some major therapy.
Speaking of the Vale, Tyrion is still traveling the road with Bronn to get back to his family. Of course they have another run in with those pesky hill tribes, and we are introduced to the stand up character of Shagga. As they are about to attack, Tyrion uses his negotiating skills once again by promising the hill tribes control of the Vale by offering them the best weapons Tywin Lannister can deliver.
I’m glad to see every character and their storylines are in this episode. Jon Snow and the men of the Night’s Watch have found bodies, one of them the owner of the hand Ghost played fetch with, and Commander Mormont decides that Maester Aemon should examine them. Jon Snow is the next Stark to be told of his father’s transgression and imprisonment at the Red Keep, the Lord Commander warning him not to do anything stupid. Jon of course doesn’t heed to this advice later as Thorne makes a comment about Ned to him. Then again who wouldn’t try to stab that guy under such circumstances? Guy is a total scrotum.
Greatjon Umber
After that little stunt Jon is confined to his quarters, but as Ghost is going crazy to get out of the room Jon decides to go investigate what has him all riled up. Ghost leads Jon to Commander Mormont’s chambers where – Gasp! – One of the dead rangers has come back from the dead as a white walker! Jon stabs the bastard (Sorry Jon) a few times and runs him through with a sword but it finally takes a lantern to set him ablaze to finish the job. They promptly burn the two remaining bodies, which is a good call in my opinion.
It was interesting to say the least when we see the Northmen gathered to go to war. I was pleasantly surprised they found the perfect actor to play the boisterous Greatjon Umber. The scene with him getting his fingers bit off by Robb’s wolf Greywind was brilliantly filmed and acted. And it served to show Robb isn’t some kid they can push around. It was great to see the young Stark settle into becoming the commander of the Northern Army, but a little unsettling to see him showing mercy like his father, because look where that got Ned. After a Lannister scout is captured outside of their camp, Robb allows him to leave with a few choice words for Tywin Lannister, along with the information of their troop strength. On the other hand it’s nice to see someone in Westeros keeping up the tradition of honor and mercy, because in the coming seasons you will see that in the seven kingdoms, acting honorably is not in a lot of peoples vocabulary.
Tyrion, Bronn and Shagga’s crew finally make it to Tywin’s camp where the Lannisters are preparing for a showdown with Robb Stark’s army, while Jaime assaults the River Lords in Riverrun (Lady Stark’s family). Tyrion reveals his promises to Bronn and Shagga, and Tywin informs the Hill Tribesmen that he will give them all they need as long as they fight with him. Shagga agrees only with the stipulation that Tyrion fight alongside them until the promise is fulfilled: Tywin doesn’t seem worried by this while Tyrion is a little miffed by the notion of him fighting.
Across the Narrow Sea, the Dothraki war machine is gearing up by raiding villages and procuring enough money to pay for ships to transport their armies into Westeros. After Daenerys orders all raping of women to stop, one of the Dothraki take exception to this. The argument is brought before Khal Drogo, who settles it by taking his wife’s side. A fight then ensues after the Dothraki soldier calls Drogo out and we get to see what a bad ass he truly is in combat.
Pic courtesy of Warming Glow
The whole thing ends with… you guessed it: A patented MacGruber throat rip. There’s even a little tongue that comes out with the throat. BONUS! Drogo is wounded in the beginning of the fight, which will have a role to play as Daenerys allows a woman from the village to tend his wound.
Also stolen..err…BORROWED from Warming Glow
The episode concludes with Joffrey holding court at the throneroom of the Red Keep in King’s Landing. A couple things happen here…
The first being the forced resignation of Ser Barristan Selmy by Cersei Lannister, who informs him that the new leader of the Kingsguard will be Jaime Lannister. It figures she would want to keep it in the family, if you know what I mean. Ser Barristan is of course pissed, pointing out that Jaime killed the very King he was supposed to protect. Ser Barristan leaves the throne room after throwing his Kingsguard uniform to the ground and telling Joffrey basically to blow it out his ass.
The next person to go before Joffrey is Sansa Stark, who pleads for him to allow her father to live and return home. She even makes up a reason why Ned would say Joffrey is not the true king. Joffrey seems satisfied, but reminds Sansa that Ned must confess his crimes and recognize Joffrey as the true King. Sansa assures him that he will, but we’ll see next episode if Ned does, and what Joffrey decides.
The episode was excellent with alliances shifting and things coming to a head. As I said before I was glad to see every character in this episode (Besides Jaimethe Kingslayer/Sister-Layer. Hey-Oh!) and am still impressed with the pacing of the series, even though I thought there was one last scene that was going to happen in this episode. But it will most definitely be in their next week, and I can’t wait. 5 out of 5 bears. Again.
After such a cliffhanger last week I’m sure everyone is just eager as hell to get into this week’s episode. Once more, the opening title showed us a new place the show will be visiting: The Eyrie, which is the home to Catelyn Stark’s sister and John Arryn’s widow Lysa Arryn. I think everyone will get a kick out of her.
The episode starts out with the tournament of the King’s Hand still proceeding. Ned gets to see the body of Ser Hugh, musing as to how he was so lucky to face down the Mountain. The joust continues in the next scene where get to see a lot more of Ser Gregor and are introduced to Loras Tyrell “The Knight of Flowers” who is a bit of a pretty boy. The joust goes well, but not for Gregor again, as he is unseated by Tyrell. Gregor definitely knows that Tyrell’s mare was in heat and caused his stallion to be a little skittish. But before he takes out his frustrations on Ser Loras, he gives his horse a final reminder of keeping in line… by chopping it’s head off!
Picture courtesy of Warming Glow
His attack on Loras falls short as the Hound and brother to Gregor steps in to stop in. This is more due to his hatred of Gregor than any goodwill to the Tyrells.
The only role I’ve seen Theron in as a villain was Monster, and she was ugly as sin in that movie. But now she’s back and hot as ever (Not doing naked pushups though) along with a persona that Theron describes via Deadline as this:
Grizzly Bomb 