Weekly New Release Report – 12/18/12

We got a bit of a big week this week because Christmas is coming up in just one week and we have tons of releases to cover. We get our Tuesday releases, then our Wednesday movie releases, then on Friday, ANOTHER set of new releases to hit up with some MORE movies! I’m honestly this excited because this is also the week I chose to go Christmas shopping because I like to procrastinate. The fact that there are a lot of good deals out there and a lot of the good DVDs are coming out means I’ll be out there in force. Plus, once I get sick of hanging out with giant groups of people, I can just go relax in the movie theater and catch a new release. With that, let’s go have a gander to see what’s coming out and get everyone prepared.

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Amazon.com WidgetsDVD/Blu-Ray Movies:

First let’s go over the major releases for Tuesday, December 18th. We have Pitch Perfect, which has garnered lots of positive reviews and admittedly I’m curious about. It helps that I’m in love with Anna Kendrick.

There is also the reboot of the Total Recall, which I reviewed as not bad, which carries an alternate ending and director’s cut as well. I’ll assume the director’s cut has more f-bombs and more three-boobed people because that’s what these “cuts” usually mean. We also get Clint Eastwood’s Trouble With the Curve to see how long he can scowl at Justin Timberlake and Amy Adams.

As for the major releases coming out on Friday December 21st, let’s not forget Resident Evil: Retribution. There’s also the Joseph Gordon-Levitt flick Premium Rush. As for television, the previous seasons of Californication and Shameless are out so everyone can catch up before the new seasons start up next month.

Pitch Perfect

Total Recall (2012)

Trouble With the Curve

Resident Evil: Retribution

Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Dog Days

Premium Rush

Killer Joe

Shameless: The Complete Second Season

Californication: The Fifth Season

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles / Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze / Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III: Turtles in Time (Triple Feature) [Blu-ray]

Out in Theaters:

On Wednesday December 19th, we get The Guilt Trip with Seth Rogen and Barbra Streisand. I don’t think it’ll do too well but I like the writer (Dan Fogelman, Crazy, Stupid, Love and Tangled) and it gave me an idea for a review that will hopefully be up by the end of the week. We also get the re-release of Monsters Inc. in 3D for the kiddies. Finding Nemo didn’t do well for the re-release, but we’ll see with the holiday season coming up and kids getting out of school how it goes. Also in New York and Los Angeles, we get the first screenings of Zero Dark Thirty for those lucky enough to check it out.

As for the movies coming out Friday December 21st, Tom Cruise’s Jack Reacher movie comes out. A lot of people have been complaining about how he doesn’t look the part of a 6’5” enforcer but we shall see. We also get This is 40, the new Judd Apatow release, going wide that day as well. Also for those that have seen Cirque Du Soleil, you get a 3D movie experience on-screen with Cirque Du Soleil: Worlds Away arriving in theaters for your consumption. Also of note, if you’re lucky to be in the LA or NY market, you get The Impossible with Naomi Watts and Ewan McGregor, which is something of a must see on my list.

With that, everyone have a Merry Christmas and Happy Holiday shopping from us here at the New Release Report. Good luck in those lines or if you’re lazy like me, there’s still time to ship stuff from Amazon. That’s why the links are above to help you out without having to leave your chair and face the weird people out in the malls.

Resident Evil: Retribution – Alice vs. Jill

If you’ve read my previous entries on Resident Evil: Retribution 3D, then you’ll know for a fact that I don’t care for the movie. Not that much anyways. When it comes out, I’ll probably watch it simply because there is nothing particularly interesting going on in my life, and I need my entertainment. I’m so bored right now I’m actually listening to Nora Roberts’ (or JD Robb if you’re getting all worked up about pseudonyms) In Death series audio-books. They are not by any means bad; they’re just kind of tacky. Just saying…

Come to think about it, Eve Dallas has one of the corniest names ever. Dallas as your last name? Really? You get to name yourself and you decide on the name of a city? I know that’s where you’re found as a runaway kid but can you go for something a little less ridiculous, like “Jenkins” or even “Smith”?

Regardless of my “zero f***s given approach” towards the movie, Sony (or someone) decided to release (or leak) footage of Alice (Milla Jovovich) and Jill (Sienna Guillory) getting it on, and by getting it on, I mean “perform a bunch of style-over-substance fighting moves in those hideously tight catsuits while dubstep plays in the background.”  As you may or may not know, Alice is our heroine of the franchise whereas Jill was one of the protagonists in the second movie, or the first one – I can’t really remember and am not bothered enough to look it up – before she was brainwashed by Albert Wesker through a ridiculous device strapped to her chest.

Sienna Guillory is hot but logic still applies.

I can’t stress enough how ridiculous it is to design a brainwashing device for chest attachment. For real, son? I know it’s taken from Resident Evil 5 (the game) but come on. It did not make sense then and it does not make sense now. Any person capable of normal human logic can tell it’s that thing located right above Jill’s boobs causing her to be eeeevvviiiiiilllllll. You can stick it on her back, in her nostrils, or even up her ass if you’re ballsy enough. All of these options are significantly less visible. But whatever, it’s Resident Evil. Nobody’s watching the movie for its logic or authenticity.

I swear the intent of implementing such a design is to see more skin.

The scene takes place on ice. Basically, you get to see people trash talk (but not actually hear what they’re saying because the dialogue portion of the audio was cut). Then, evil Rain (Michelle Rodriguez) injects something into her blood stream and knocks out Ada, who was held hostage. A shootout commences and a fight emerges.

*shivers in fear*

It turns out whatever Rain injected in her body makes her virtually bulletproof. Alice has her ass kicked and throws an ice axe at the audience because the movie is in 3D. You are obligated to have one of those shots if your movie is shot in 3D.

Wow, the 3D effects are sooooooooo realistic. It’s as if Alice is throwing an axe at me and I can actually die. I’m shook. Wait, I will actually die of the headache caused by 3D effects.

I can dig movies that are intentionally bad, movies that don’t take themselves too seriously. (eg Black Dynamite) Retribution looks bad and is taking itself way too seriously. Paul W.S. Anderson actually believes that his audience won’t cringe watching this flick.

Come on, brother. It’s not 1995. Flamboyant fighting styles don’t work no more. Roundhouse kicks are not badass anymore.

*door opens*
*Chuck Norris walks in*
*Chuck Norris bashes JasonDaPsycho’s face on the keyboard*
*Chuck Norris does a roundhouse kick on JasonDaPsycho*
*Chuck Norris leaves JasonDaPsycho lying half dead*

Roundhouse kicks are awesome. My bad.

Back to the topic, Anderson needs to stop pretending as if this movie is anything more than an action flick featuring video game characters. Once he comes to that understanding, I believe the movies will  be much more enjoyable. That’s for me, at least.

Resident Evil: Retribution 3D will hit theaters on 14th September, 2012. The Judge Dredd reboot doesn’t come until a week after, so apparently, there is no choice.

More Pointless Stills from ‘Resident Evil: Retribution’

Resident Evil: Retribution – Trailer #2

As I mentioned last time, I don’t give a damn about the Resident Evil movies. Why am I writing this article then? I have no idea. Maybe because I actually make good on my promises?

To be honest with you, I feel the movie franchise has already ran its course. It has strayed too far from anything remotely resembling the video game storyline. In attempt on reminding us, the viewers, of how the movies are supposed to be based on the game, in every single Resident Evil film, we get multiple characters originated from the games forcefully crammed into the movie’s universe. This time round, the new additions are Leon S. Kennedy (of RE2, RE4 and RE6 fame), Barry Burton (the Jill Sandwich guy) and Ada Wong (femme fatale who follows Leon around, also has a thing for wearing high heels in tactical situations). Unfortunately, we don’t get to see much (if any) of them in the trailer, other than maybe a couple of scenes featuring Ada Wong.

In case you have forgotten who Barry Burton is.

Here’s the trailer.

After watching the trailer, I must say I’m fascinated.

*awkward silence*

*bursts into laughter*

You bought that? You believed for a second I actually care about the movie after watching the trailer? SYKE!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!! The movie doesn’t look distinctly different from the last one. We’re still living in apocalypse, with Wesker still planning to destroy the world, or something. Can’t remember. The trailer starts off depicting Alice’s previous life, in which she’s a part of a happy family living the suburbs. Her husband is horny and her daughter capable of making quirky remarks at the age of 8. Sounds like the American Dream to me. Then zombies show up and eat her husband’s face off. Alice and her daughter escapes. The 5-0 shows up, though I’m doubtful they’ll be able to do anything. Then the camera cuts to Alice lying on the Umbrella logo, with Ada Wong narrating how her memory was fabricated by Umbrella. A bunch of mindless action scenes set across the world later, the trailer ends.

It is noteworthy (if you actually care about the live-action motion picture) that Paul WS Anderson has decided to bring back Rain Ocampo and Carlos Olivera, both of whom were supposed to be dead. They return in the form of  clones. There will be a “good” version and a “bad” version of each replica. Yea, because it makes so much sense to keep good, thoughtful clones around if I’m in charge of a pharmaceutical company trying to take over the world. We also get to catch a few glimpses of Jill Valentine with aRE5-inspired mind-control device hooked to her chest area, making an already ridiculous idea look even more stupid.

I didn’t get it in RE5 and I still don’t get it now: how do you control someone’s mind by sticking a red thingy to her chest?

The movie is shaping out to be just fine. It’s still predictable. There are still characters from the game thrown in simply for the sake of it. The movie will certainly be bad. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not that promiscuous hippy with interesting fashionable sense who watches only artsy fartsy crap and criticizes any movie that doesn’t have deep undertones. I like action movies which don’t require much thinking. I just prefer my stupid movie to make some sense. This movie will be so corny, the US government will stop subsidizing corn farmers, since the movie alone is enough to supply the world’s corn demand for the next 25 years. Yes, it will be even more cringe-worthy than the joke in the last sentence.

It’s going to be so bad, it’s good.

Resident Evil: Retribution Q&A & Trailer Event

Resident Evil 5: The Jill Valentine Verdict

With the fifth Resident Evil movie, Retribution finally coming together there was one loose end left before the film seemed complete. That loose end was actress Sienna Guillory reprising her role as ‘Jill Valentine’. It was at first assumed that she would be back, but then things were not so certain as she was keeping us all in suspense with Twitter updates.

The last update however, was that she was going to a meeting with director Paul W.S. Anderson and then this tweet followed soon after:

So it would appear everything is set for another Resident Evil and hopefully this is the last one set in this particular continuity. To me the franchise has gone as far as it could have with the Alice character, and the storyline in the post apocalyptic universe. At this point there will have been more movies set in the post apocalyptic world of Resident Evil than in the settings that made the games so great. I wouldn’t mind them rebooting the franchise eventually and starting from square one again.

What’s everyone else think? Are you as overjoyed as I am about Sienna Guillory returning? Do you think this is the last hurrah for the Paul W.S. Anderson Resident Evil franchise, or will the box office numbers speak for themselves?

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Images: Screen Gems