Netflix released their first 90s-infused announcement trailer for the upcoming series, Everything Sucks!, which follows a 1990s high school, set in Boring (yes. Boring), Oregon, and two friends who join forces to make a movie.
Whenever teaser footage is “leaked” there’s always this infinite battle between the internet and movie companies. They for some reason don’t want everyone to see the teaser, and talk about the teaser, and share the teaser and generally do their PR jobs for them. Or maybe they DO, and by hiding it from us like it’s a weird reverse double bluff situation, we’re playing right into their hands? Which is silly, since this footage that was released is from a test reel that was premiered at SDCC last year, and not even technically a teaser. Regardless, the outcome of the studio censorship is it tends to make sharing and viewing these leaked teasers difficult, and sometimes that can lead to a disparity from your expectations and what actually happens. For instance, I thought the teaser was going to be something totally amazing and mind-blowing.
In fact, if I was to describe my imaginary teaser for Ant Man, I would say my favorite scenes were definitely the parts where Ant-Man finally, finally did what we all thought he would do, and shrunk down and crawled up a guard’s pants.
Then as the guard was trying to take off his pants, he ran up his leg and dove into the guard’s penis through his pee hole, and then rapidly expanded himself while in his urethra, tearing the guard’s dick open horribly, then kicking him through the groin out his butthole, in a fantastic display of gore worthy of an old Giallo film! The next few scenes were of him running around inside the other guards inner ear canal, using the harmonic balance and special lower hertz frequencies to sort of “puppeteer” the guard, making the guard punch himself repeatedly in the face over and over before ripping out his own eyes, in what I thought was a great homage to the work of Lucio Fulci. Then Ant-Man expanded inside the man’s head, creating a head explosion that possibly tops the infamous one from Scanners.
It all ended pretty perfectly when Ant-Man then turned to the camera, pointed his fingers and said his new catch phrase: “It aint easy being cheesy!”, which I found a bit gauche, but I supposed we’ll get used to it.
Right. Well that’s NOT what the Ant-Man teaser was. Here it is as long as it’ll stay up, which probably isn’t long.
VIDEO REMOVED BY VIMEO
Marvel’s Ant-Man Trailer from Anthony Green on Vimeo.
See? Instead of my imaginary awesomeness, it was a fairly interesting fight scene of Ant-Man clearing a hallway with two guards in it, and instead of ripping their dicks or heads open from the inside, he just kinda punches them in the teeth maybe? It was more interesting than it sounds, but only just so. I think my version is a lot better, but for SOME REASON Hollywood has yet to take any of my ideas or use any of the scripts I send their offices detailing my outlandish plans to fix the movie business. I think it’s all a conspiracy against me. Anyway, here’s some screen caps, and gifs courtesy of [Buzzfeed]:
Those are some pretty neat GIFs, but these stills give you a better look at the actual Ant-Man suit, albeit a blurry one. Keep in mind these images are only from a test reel, so the final costume will probably look a lot different.
So all in all, that’s pretty cool, but as always my version is better. But I have trust in Edgar Wright and I presume when the flick rolls by in 2015 it’ll still be pretty great.
Here’s the problem with teasers. I hate writing about them. Not in a whiny “Oh, I don’t wanna write this” way (although I am a whiny little b**ch about things like that), but because by their very nature I don’t like them. I mean who really, actually likes being teased? I mean, I know I don’t. I know some ladies who claim they do, but that’s not the kind of thing I’m into. When it comes to my sci-fi entertainment I want it big, hard, fast and now. I want you to give me aural and ocular pleasure, and I want my needs sated, right this moment. Don’t wiggle your little teasing sci-fi movie member around my entertainment erogenous zone and make me beg, just stick that thing in so we can both come together in science fiction ecstasy! [Ed. Note: I feel like I should have censored something… Oh well.]
Aside from providing the most disgusting metaphorical description of why I hate teasers, I also hate teasers because they seemingly never end. Is it too much to just be kept in the dark until the thing comes out? I know there are a lot of nerds out there who love this sort of thing, but man, I am so not one of them. I love Star Trek to bits but waiting for this sequel is killing me. That’s the worst thing about JJ Abrams is he loves to make his fans just beg for his sci-fi wang, all bedazzled and shining with lens flare. Well, here’s some more of that proverbial sci-fi c*ck teasing for all of us Trekkies, with yet another teaser aimed to make us all cream our pants once again.
It’s more or less a mishmash of what we’ve seen before, but every little split second of new scenes is another thing to obsess over, speculate about, compare to previous Star Trek canon and spread to all of our friends on the internet. I personally can’t wait to see if Captain (Admiral?) Pike ends up as Mr. Box man like he was in the Original Series.
But the whole thing is a just a ploy, a way to keep us waiting patiently so as to build up a huge opening for the movie when it releases. It’s basic movie marketing, I know, but I suppose this strategy is for non-Trekkies, because apparently they’re the folks who need to be convinced to go see this movie. The rest of us are dying and can’t wait to see it already. CURSE YOU ABRAMS, WHY MUST YOU BE SO CRAZY SEXY CRUEL!
Here’s a sentence I never thought I’d type: I cannot WAIT for The Evil Dead Remake to come out. As we’ve previously reported, the movie certainly seems to be wrapping up all the awesome into one big, bloody bag for us Evil Dead fans. Some of those lucky-as-hell fans over at NYCC were treated to a full-on trailer for the film itself! Unfortunately, as is the case with most Comic Convention rules for exclusives and whatnot, we can’t apprehend a full trailer to share with all of you, but we have the next best thing! A description of the full trailer, and a little bootleg teaser I managed to scramble up from YouTube. Firstly, here’s the description of the full trailer:
Never to be outdone by the competition, DC and Marvel both premiered some interesting footage at E3 that showed off some of their new games.What’s interesting is they are both fighting games, though pretty different from each other. Let’s start with Marvel, who premiered The Avengers: Battle for Earth. First stop is the teaser trailer:
A teaser to a trailer? You can’t be serious, right? What kind of world do we live in nowadays? We’re having foreplay’s before foreplay’s. I don’t get it. Whatever. I’m here to give you some of my impressions on (the teaser to) the upcoming Tomb Raider, pending a release window sometime next year.
Before we get into anything, it’s vital for you to understand that I have never played a single game in the franchise, nor did I watch any of the movies. I wrote this article after skimming through a few Wikipedia articles, and watching a couple of gameplay videos. Most of the time, I just end up staring at Lara Croft’s two lumps of meat, located right above her abdomen. I’m not even into boobs. Talk about dedication.
One of the bigger deals about the game is that it’s a reboot to the Tomb Raider franchise. You can obviously tell from the new, re-designed, “I am going to be taken seriously” look to her, as opposed to the “I am actually a blow up doll playing someone with brains, or no brains? I don’t know. My boobs are larger than my brain anyways. Wait, do I have a brain? Oh no, I don’t!!! I’m a sex toy!!!!”
Trivia: Lara’s huge boobs are the result of an accident on the artist’s end as he was making adjustments to her figure. They decided to stick with it.
Anyways, here’s the teaser to the trailer to the game:
I hope they realize how ridiculous it is to give us a preview to a preview.
First of all, I have to say that this game is looking amazing. The environments look vibrant. Lara actually bears great resemblance to her conceptual design unlike*ahem*FemShep in*ahem*ME3*ahem. It is also worth noting that the cut scenes seem to be rendered using the in-game engine. At least that seems to be the case when Lara Croft lights up a match and sits right next to the campfire. CGI cutscenes are falling out of favor fast, given how realistic graphics in modern video games look.
There isn’t much exploring in the teaser. The sequence they have shown involves Lara walking on a plank of wood, and climbing up the frame of a dismantling aircraft stuck to the edge of a cliff. To the best of my understanding, the game is supposed to be somewhat “sandboxy”, so this might just be a linear portion of the game.
Compared to previous games, which focused on puzzle-solving, Crystal Dynamics has decided to place a larger emphasis on combat. I’m somewhat intrigued by this direction, since there are already some well-established franchises which share the same vision (eg. Far Cry). I’m excited to see how the devs are going to mix things up.
We’ll be back on Friday to give you our thoughts on the trailer. In a shameless attempt on hyping up that piece and generating traffic to the site, we will also release a snippet of that article two hours before putting up the article for everyone to read.