This week on Raw, the WWE Universe was treated to what was supposed to be Jim Ross Appreciation Night, but instead could easily be classified as a mediocre show. It had its promising moments, but they were few and far in between. Let’s take a brief look at what we saw on this week’s episode.
Antonio Cesaro got an impressive win over Brodus Clay, who for some reason still has a job. Even in spite of facing a lackluster opponent, Antonio Cesaro continues to blow me away with his in ring ability. The fact that the man was able to lift up Brodus Clay for The Neutralizer is mind blowing, and his persona is far from run of the mill. Antonio Cesaro’s hot streak in the WWE continued on Raw with a vulgar display of power (name that band), over the Funkasurus.
Zack Ryder on the other hand has got to be getting sick of not getting a legitimate push in the WWE. I may be alone on this, and I hope I’m not, but does anybody else see Ryder as having more worth than being a tune up match for Miz? The Miz had his push, and it fell flat on its stupid face. It’s time to let him get run over by a few wrestlers who have a little bit of potential, instead of allowing him to continue winning pointless matches. With that being said, you may have gathered that the Miz picked up a win over Ryder on Raw, and to my disgust.
The Miz is awesome.
The tag team tournament continued on Raw with a decent match between Primo and Epico vs. Sin Cara and Mysterio. To anybody who has paid even some attention to Raw over the last few months, the outcome of this match should have been about as predictable as an Undertaker match at Wrestlemania. The WWE is clearly building up the Mysterio/Sin Cara tag team, for some reason. Sin Cara did manage to make it through this match without botching anything too badly, but I saw nothing spectacular out of him either. To me, it’s fairly evident that the tag tournament is going to come down to either, The Rhodes Scholars or Mysterio/Sin Cara getting the tag title shot at the end of the month. With still a few weeks left before the PPV, this has yet to be determined.
R-Truth and Kofi seems to be fizzling out faster than pop rocks in a can of soda. Half of the time, we now see them in singles matches with the other one there at ring side for moral support or whatever. Tonight was no different as we saw Kofi in a singles match and Truth and little Jimmy doing nothing but watching. In my opinion, it’s time for Kofi to move on as a singles wrestler, and let Truth either do the same or take a hike over to TNA, brother!
Now onto the red head (Not you, Heath Slater), I’m talking about Sheamus. Sheamus pulled double duty tonight, as he was a part of a debate with the Big Show, and also a singles match with Damien Sandow. The debate was a time-filler, as expected. However, any boredom suffered with the debate was cured with what may have been the match of the night between Sandow and the Irishman. Sandow is going places for sure, but I’m slightly confused with the decision to team him with Cody Rhodes as a tag team. I personally would like to see what Sandow is capable of as a singles competitor before resorting to putting him with somebody else.
The only way Seamus could get worse.
Now onto the head honchos of the show:
The Ryback’s character is leaving fans with more questions than answers. Tonight, during an uncomfortable confrontation between CM Punk and Jim Ross, we see The Ryback come out to defend Jim Ross. This would seem like its purpose is to further build a rivalry between The Ryback and Punk, but for what reason? The WWE Universe is already fully expecting a Cena vs. Punk match at Hell in a Cell, and a The Ryback/Punk rivalry does nothing more than offer a filler rivalry for the next few weeks until Cena is back from elbow surgery. You’ve got to believe that the WWE has more in store for CM Punk and The Ryback than just a three week testosterone filled violent soap opera full of uncomfortable stare-downs. Ah the confusion of being a WWE fan!
The Ryback? Hell no. Punk only fears Slenderman.
On a side note, who else felt like the Punk/Ross segment would have been that perfect moment to hear some glass breaking? A Stone Cold Steve Austin fan can only wish the WWE writers were that interested in pleasing the crowd.
What was the main event you may be asking? A tag-team match of course, and one with no grand purpose at that. Why oh why, does the WWE’s creative team of writers feel like the fans get anything out of watching these oddly concocted tag team main events? I can just see it now:
A room full of suits at the WWE headquarters are all sitting around a big round table, and at the far end of the table is a stand with a dry erase board. On the board, there is nothing written except, “Raw 10-1-2012, main event?” A bunch of writers sit around scratching their heads until a light-bulb goes off in one’s brain, and he heroically runs to the board and writes, “Tag Team Match!” The whole room turns into an uproar of applause, and they all breathe a sigh of relief because they are all safe for one more week.
Let’s push Yoshi Tatsu! HAHAHAHAHAH. No, nobody wants that. Okay, we’ll just go with Cena again.
Okay, now back to reality and a burning question that was posed earlier. Why does anyone from the WWE’s higher ups think that these tag matches are anything more than a big waste of time? Please, if anybody has an answer to that question, hit me with it. I can’t be the only person annoyed with Raw’s main events lately.
The show concluded with team Hell No, getting a victory over CM Punk and Dolph Ziggler. Ziggler left halfway through the match and Punk was left to get choke slammed by Kane before losing by pinfall. Oddly enough, we didn’t see Dr. Shelby tonight which to me was a bit of a letdown. I feel like the Dr. Shelby segments have provided some of the most entertaining moments the WWE has had in quite some time.
As I said in the beginning of this article, Raw this week could easily be described as mediocre. I thought last week’s episode made great strides in the show finding its place in a three hour time slot. This week however, it seemed to take a few steps back. If I were to score Raw, I would probably give it a 5.5/10. There was nothing spectacular, but nothing that made me feel like watching the Cowboys vs. Da Bears would have been a better option.
Anytime AJ referees she has to do this, and it’s pretty spectacular
For those of you who were unaware, the WWE’s premier episode of “Main Event” is this Wednesday on the ION channel, and will be headlined with a CM Punk vs. Sheamus non-title bout.
Welcome to part 2 of Grizzly Bomb’s Top Ten Most Personally Memorable WWE Moments. Where Godzark and I have compiled our own memorable WWE moments. We thought that rather than try to make another in a long series of “Top X OMG Moments”, much like the WWE themselves have done, we’d prefer to share the moments that stuck with us on a personal level. The moments that made our eyes pop open in disbelief, laughter, surprise, or sheer excitement. Sure, some of these may not be universally recognized as the biggest, baddest, most memorable moments in WWE history, but to us, they were.
5.) Big Bossman Kidnaps, Kills & Cooks Al Snow’s Dog
Cheesebadger: Holy shit. Sometimes a storyline, even a sub-plot minor storyline like this one, can leave an impression on you you’ll never forget. Right around this time there was probably some big feud between Stone Cold Steve Austin & The Rock. Sure I remember that feud, but the everyday skits about it didn’t stick with me the way THIS storyline did. In 1999, when the WWE(F) was at the height of its Attitude Era popularity, they seemed determined to make Big Bossman the most despicable heel alive. After weeks of mentally and physically torturing Al Snow with random beatings and whatnot, it seemed like things had finally gotten to a head. You see, Al Snow had made himself a little friend. A chihuahua named Pepper, whom he loved. He carried Pepper around everywhere and took care of him, so it was only a matter of time until Big Bossman dognapped Pepper. Al Snow became dedicated to rescuing his furry friend, and just as we all though Big Bossman was about to do the unthinkable, something happened.
Suddenly, Big Bossman reached out to Al Snow, asked for forgiveness, and begged Al to trust him. He insisted that Pepper was fine, and would return him to Snow. He even invited Snow over to his place for dinner, all the while assuring Snow that he had to make things right between them. Snow complied, still suspicious but desperate to get his friend back. When Snow arrived at Big Bossman’s place, Bossman insisted Snow try some of the meal he cooked for him, before he returned Pepper. A wary Al Snow took a few bites of the chinese food that had been seemingly prepared by Big Bossman, before Pepper’s ultimate fate was revealed with one shocking sentence I’ll never forget:
“Would you do me a favor, and try not to get them paws stuck in your teeth.”
The pause after that sentence seemed like minutes, as Big Bossman went on to proclaim what Al Snow was eating was in fact, 100% Grade A Pepper. That’s right, Big Bossman fed Al Snow his own damn dog. If that seems extreme, Big Bossman went on a tear continuing his reign as the worst human being alive by feuding with Big Show. How did he top himself there? Oh simple, he just interrupted Big Show at his fathers funeral, assaulted him, then stole his dead father’s casket with body inside, and literally towed it out of the graveyard behind his cop car. Yeah. That moment was almost on this list too.
4.) Unholy Matrimony of Undertaker & Stephanie McMahon
Godzark: The WWE has done some unforgettable mock weddings on their shows, but nothing will ever compare in my book to the “unholy matrimony,” between The Undertaker and Stephanie McMahon. This just so happened to play right in the middle of Stone Cold Steve Austin (who was and always will be my favorite wrestler)’s feud with Stephanie’s father, and owner of the WWE, Vince McMahon. The premise was that The Undertaker would kidnap Stephanie and tie her to his symbol, while Paul Bearer in all his wonderful pastiness and his sweet comb-over would marry Taker and Steph. This all went according to plan until the most unlikely beer drankin, finger flippin, Texas redneck anti-hero came out to save the day. The reason this moment meant so much to me was because I feel like it was the moment that pushed the “hero,” into Steve Austin’s anti-hero label. With the daughter of Austin’s arch nemesis in trouble, Steve came out and did the right thing, just because it was the right thing to do. When I was a kid, it really made me look up to Steve Austin, in a similar way that today’s youth looks up to John Cena. The impact that this moment had on me is why I believed it earned the right to be on this list.
3.) Kane Finally Unmasks Himself
Godzark: For years the WWE built Kane’s character to be The Undertaker’s brother who was burned in a fire at the families funeral home as a child. Kane spent six years behind the infamous red and black mask, supposedly in attempt to cover the hideous scars he received as a result of being burned in the fire, which was caused by his dysfunctional brother. In 2002, Kane was set up to compete in a match, where should he lose, which he inevitably did, he was required to take his mask off. I remember a friend of mine stayed over that night and I had my VCR recording this moment, only to re-watch it about 20 times throughout the night. This was the moment that changed the landscape of Kane’s career forever, and a moment that I’ll never forget.
To me the reason this moment stuck out so much, goes far beyond the storyline that was behind Kane’s character, there was also a degree of mystery to him as a person. Even though some longtime fans new that Glen Jacobs had played the unmasked character of Dr. yankem much earlier in his career, to fans that began watching during the attitude era, Jacobs was completely new. What I remember most about this moment was the fact that, as soon as it happened, as a fan I wasn’t really sure what to think, since there were no visible scars on his previously masked face. Did this mean that the whole story was a sham, or was this man so delusional that he really believed that he was burned in a fire and in fact did have these scars? It was a perfect way to keep fans sitting on the edge of their seats, waiting to see where the storyline would progress next. Either way, this moment was in my opinion, one of the greatest non PPV moments in WWE history.
2.) Stone Cold VS The Rock At Wrestlemania 15
Cheesebadger: One thing about this match that bring it some necessary context, is that in 1999, SCSA and The Rock were the two biggest names in all of pro wrestling, and arguably of all time. They were larger than life in every single way, right down to their finishing moves being sold as unstoppable, world shattering blows that no mortal man could possibly withstand. The Rock was played up as an arrogant, cocksure young jerk who could walk the walk as well as talk the talk, and Austin was the the toughest SOB in the entire WWE(F). Their feud is probably one of the best pure examples of how successful a properly done Heel Vs Face feud could be. The heights of fame and popularity their characters reached has since been unparalleled, and for months the two of them combatted each other in the ring or on the mic. When it all came down to it though, they settled things (for the first time anyway), in the ring at Wrestlemania.
To the both of them, the WWF Championship meant everything, and it was worth everything but short of your last dying breath to strive for. As a young WWF fan, seeing the both of them give each other every single thing they had, was like watching titans battle before your eyes. So many times we had seen people utterly destroyed by the one-two combo of the Rock Bottom & People’s Corporate Elbow. Additionally, The Stone Cold Stunner was a move so devastating and rapidly given, that SCSA often could take on multiple opponents at once or end matches nearly instantly, so great was its power. After 20 plus minutes of battle, seeing these two greats kick out multiple times from each other’s finishing moves, was unheard of. I remember being absolutely awestruck at the fact that Austin had such tenacity, surviving everything the Rock threw at him, and countered a third Rock Bottom into a Stunner that won him the match and championship. Austin winning that title was a victory for all the fans of the Texas Ratttlesnake that night, and a victory for all wrestling fans who got to see an unforgettable match.
1.) Mankind VS The Rock at the 1999 Royale Rumble
Talk about an unforgettable match. Even in 1999 people knew Mick Foley was going to be a legend, but this match sealed it for me. I remember being so excited for all of the build up Mankind had, with his recent face turn, brief acceptance into DX, and subsequent title reign. Mankind being world champion was the feel good story at the time, and their rivalry was a classic case of the underdog winning. At the time Mankind was known for his tenacious ability, incredible resilience and massive tolerance for pain. He was the last man you’d ever expect to quit a match, and would literally rather die than give up. So an I Quit Match at the 1999 Royal Rumble seemed like a no brainer. How could he possibly lose?
Sure enough, for the first few minutes things seemed like they were in Mankind’s favor, as The Rock seemed puzzled at what to do to put Mankind into a state where he’d give up. You could pin the man down for 3 seconds sure, but break his spirit? Impossible. What transpired over the last 10 or so minutes, left my jaw agape during the entirety of the match. After being pushed off a guardrail 20 feet up, onto electrical wires and nearly being electrocuted to death, The Rock somehow found handcuffs, and handcuffed Mankind with his hands behind his back. Ever resistant, Mankind still fought back, until The Rock grabbed a chair.
The Rock then proceeded to wail on Mankind with chair shots directly to the head. After 10 unprotected chair shots to the head, including one to back of the head, The Rock placed the microphone next tot he mouth of an apparently unconcious (or dead) Mankind. What happened next is in my mind, still up for debate. The fact of the matter is that the phrase “I Quit! I Quit! I Quit!” was played over the loudspeakers, and the match ended with a victory for The Rock. The next night we’d discover that in storyline terms, this was The Rock’s way of ensuring his victory, by “cheating” and using a clip from a promo Mankind had made earlier. In real life, I think what happened was that people backstage were scrambling to try to end the match, which had quickly grown out of control. I assume that a certain number of chair shots were agreed upon, but as usual, Mankind and The Rock took it to the next level. After the 10th chair shot to the back of the head, Mankind is clearly unconcious, and whoever controls the soundboards at the WWF took that as an opportunity to end the match by playing that clip. I’m positive the real story behind this match is out there, but that’s how I’ll personally remember it, and that memory of watching these two men was incredible. They embodied the Unstoppable Force and The Immovable Object so perfectly, and as we all know, that contest only ends when they finally give up.
Honorable Mention*:
Godzark: Although we here at Grizzlybomb, like to focus on things that put people in a good mood, Cheese and I both believe it would be absolutely ridiculous not to mention somewhere on this list the scary moment that occurred a couple weeks ago on Raw. On September 1oth, Jerry “The King” Lawler had a near fatal heart attack on Raw, and as a viewer, few moments have made my stomach sink like this one did. When you watch wrestling every week for fifteen years, the show becomes defined by not just the wrestlers, but those calling the action as well. For years, Jerry Lawler has been synonymous with not only the WWE, but pro wrestling commentating in general, and any circumstance where such a person is almost lost far too soon is a scary moment for fans everywhere. In that moment I couldn’t help but think of what Raw would be like without Jerry calling the action, and to be quite honest I can’t imagine it. For fifteen years he has been that familiar voice that I hear every Monday night when I watch Raw, and the show would never be the same without him doing commentary. Thankfully, due to a stellar medical staff on hand, and Michael Cole’s quick reaction, the King is doing just fine and will be back doing commentary in no time. From all of us here at Grizzlybomb, get well soon King!
Cheesebadger: I made my feelings pretty clear here the night Lawler had his heart attack. That feeling of dread in between matches, with no commentary was resolutely ominous. I kept waiting for it to cut back to Michael Cole, and for him to give us the terrible news. Thankfully, the reports got better, but nothing was nearly as harrowing as rewinding my DVR and literally seeing Lawler in the background struggling to stay conscious, preceded by his abrupt drop off of commentary. Watching officials rush around in the backround, and the entire crowd’s attention diverted from the match onscreen, will stay with me forever. I’m incredibly glad to hear how Lawler made a full recovery, and wish him nothing but the best. Hopefully, he’ll be able to return to his home life, and take things easy for however long he has left. Long live The King!
*A few of you may notice a notable exception. That being the infamous Undertaker/Mankind Hell In A Cell Match, where Taker threw Mankind off the cage, through the cage, and into thumbtacks. Of course that’s a memorable moment but it’s at the top of EVERY best moments list on the internet, and as personally memorable as it may be to both Godzark and I, we decided to exclude it for that reason.
The WWE has been around entertaining people for a long time, and since its foundation in the 50’s as a promotional territory, there have been countless moments that have amazed, shocked, and entertained millions. There are lots of lists that compile these moments, and the majority of them deserve listing, but to try to objectively determine what makes one famous moment more worthy than another, is nearly impossible. Everyone who is a fan of the WWE have moments that they personally believe are the most awe-inspiring, shocking, or touching. Looking back on our collection of memories, some of the smaller moments in the WWE have been the ones that have stuck with us the most, along with the bigger, death-defying, shock and awe moments the WWE does so well.
With that thought in mind, Godzark and I thought that rather than try to make another in a long series of “Top X OMG Moments”, much like the WWE themselves have done, we’d prefer to share the moments that stuck with us on a personal level. The moments that made our eyes pop open in disbelief, laughter, surprise, or sheer excitement. Sure, some of these may not be universally recognized as the biggest, baddest, most memorable moments in WWE history, but to us, they were.
10.) CM Punk’s Infamous “Pipebomb” Promo
Godzark: When you’re a kid and you watch wrestling, the lines between fiction and reality are blurred every time you tune in. It seems as though as you get older, the moments that really make you question what’s real and what’s fake are few and far in between, which is why I valued our tenth ranked most memorable moment so much. On June 25, 2011, CM Punk, just three weeks away from contract expiration, gave what will forever be remembered as one of the greatest promos in WWE history, and one that really made me and the entire WWE Universe go, “wait, was that scripted?” In the span of five to seven minutes, Punk managed to call out Dwayne Johnson for being an ass kisser, referenced Colt Cabana, said he has no hope of the company being better after Vince McMahon’s dead because his stupid family will take over it, claimed that the USA network has crappy shows, and called the current vice president of talent relations a, “glad handing, non-sensical, douchebag Yes-man.” I remember watching this moment and wondering just how many wrestlers in the back were happily nodding their heads, because Punk was describing their feelings exactly. I for one will never forget this promo and would gladly put this amongst a list of the best promos in wrestling history.
9.) Shane McMahon Jumps Off The Titan-Tron
Godzark: Every once in a great while there is a wrestling moment where I honestly can say I have no idea how they did it, Shane McMahon’s 50 foot jump from the top of the Titantron on top of the Big Show is one of those moments. Fans make a big deal about wrestlers falling off of a ladder, or falling from the top of a cage, but Shane-O-Mac makes all of that look like mere child’s play when he took this leap of faith. I remember watching this as a kid and as Shane was climbing the tron I kept waiting for him to come back down because I knew that there was no way in Hell he could pull off a jump like that. When he did the sign of the cross before the jump I knew this was for real, and remember holding my breath until I heard the crash landing. This moment still gives me goose-bumps even years later, which is why it belongs on this list.
8.) Owen Hart’s Death
Cheesebadger: I remember watching this very pay-per-view, more pumped at the time for whatever the main event match was at the time. I remember seeing the promos and content from the first video above, and wondering if what had happened was real or not, because everything in the (then) WWF was so larger than life, that the thought of one of them dying in such a tragic fashion was hard to believe. The grim details became unfortunately clear as time passed, and what at first was thought to be an accident that would have ended Owen Hart’s career, ended his life in turn. It was a surreal moment to say the least. I remember thinking that his new gimmick as the Blue Blazer was silly, but I liked that he was doing something new and different. When it came around time to viewing that second video, I remember hearing JR’s words, but not really processing them. It was almost like it couldn’t be real, that there was no way the WWF could let something like that happen. As it is in real life though, accidents happen, and life is unpredictable and sometimes very cruel. That night I finished watching the PPV, wondering and waiting for them to announce that everything would be okay, or that Owen had been revived or something. Only the next day on Raw did It finally sink in. The memorial episode they held for him I can barely remember, but confronting the topic of death so bluntly on a show that was meant to be escapism, affected me pretty deeply. I can only imagine how the people who attended that PPV felt, having had to witness it live, and the hundreds of children like me who were undoubtedly saddened by his unfortunate passing.
7.) Scott Hall’s WCW “Invasion” Promo
Cheesebadger: Way back when, Scott Hall was one of my favorite wrestlers. To this day, he still is, as is evident by my review of a mini-documentary on him here at GB. I loved the guy’s gimmick, look, and his skills in the ring all with equal aplomb. I remember watching WCW with my grandpa, and being SHOCKED to see him show up there, not as Razor Ramon, but as Scott Hall. While couldn’t find a video of the actual event as I originally remembered it, Scott Hall showed up by walking in through the crowd, interrupting a match currently in progress. He grabbed a mic and began speaking in his slurred pseudo Cuban Razor Ramon voice, about a “war”, and how things were going to change. It was so shocking to see a guy showing up in plain clothes, interrupting a match to talk, that it all seemed entirely real. I remember speculating about what it meant, and formulating ideas about how Vince McMahon had “fired” Razor Ramon, so he could legally show up and interfere with the WCW. The whole thing carried a lot of gravitas, because at the time, those two worlds of wrestling did not mix, ever. Or so I thought.
Seeing Scott Hall show up again with Diesel, who I now learned was named Kevin Nash, lended even more credence to my theory that it was all real, and the whole thing planned. To my credit, it was, just not by Vince McMahon. The entire concept of the invasion, the formation of The Outsiders, of course led to The NWO, which is arguably the most famous wrestling stable of all time. None of it would have happened without this promo, or this moment, and it’s one I’ll never forget.
6.) Steve Austin buries Undertaker Alive
Godzark: As a kid, my biggest fear was being buried alive, and I literally cringed at the thought of that ever happening to me. With this in mind, it should be no surprise that one of the most memorable moments to me in wrestling was when Stone Cold Steve Austin took on the Undertaker in a buried alive match. As a kid I watched my hero, come out fearlessly to compete in a match against a monster as scary as the Undertaker, knowing full well that should he lose this battle, my biggest fear would become his reality. Steve Austin not only buried the Undertaker six feet under, but like a Badass, proceeded to drink beer over the Undertakers grave. There was really no doubt in my mind after this that the Texas Rattlesnake was truly the baddest S.O.B on the planet.
In 1993, Raw was an hour-long, and in 1997, it switched to be 2 hours long. Now in 2012, after 1000 episodes, it’s going to be three hours long. Presuming this is a pattern, in 2016, if the world still exists and isn’t blown up or overrun by gas stealing mutants, Raw will be 4 hours long. By 2031, when Cyber-McMahon makes Raw 5 hours long, and we instantly stream it to our Mind-Cloud, it’ll still be 4 and a half hours of weird/ promos and skits, and still only half an hour of wrestling. The promos and skits will be about the Literal Robo-Cena Army invading as the GWE (Galactic Wrestling Entertainment) has Sub-Monday Night Wars with UCW (Universal Championship Wrestling, a new promotion run by Neo-Ted Turner.2), but they’ll still be awful, and The Undertaker will be preserved as a head in jar who guest stars at Uber-Wrestlemania every Post-Solar Cycle.
What I’m saying is, accept this. We’ll be getting new versions Raw for the rest of our lives. WWE is going to change, and you’re not going to like it as you get older. That’s kinda the nature of aging I suppose, but that’s not to say we still can’t enjoy things for what they are. I mean, c’mon, that Undertaker head jar thing sounds pretty cool right? What kind of gimmick match would he compete in? Hell In A Futuristic Polytransdermal Sub-Aquatic Life Preserving Nutrient Rich Bio-Sludge Filled Cell? Bah, enough pondering about my make-believe future WWE, let’s get to tonight’s Raw, which as we’ve been told countless times over the last couple months, is the 1000th, and a milestone that blows all other shows out of the water.
The show opens with Vince McMahon introducing, as promised for months now, the return of Degeneration X, arguably the most popular wrestling stable of all time (Although the NWO would be it’s main contender).
Shawn Michaels and Triple H walk out in their DX fatigues and shirts, glow sticks in tow, and parade around in the ring, and yuck it up for a few minutes about not wearing underwear, but get around to admitting that they alone aren’t just DX. They then invite the rest of the DX stable, and point towards the stage ramp. X-Pac, Road Dogg, and Billy Gunn then come out in an army jeep, and join Shawn and Triple H in the ring. They all start a few rounds of crotch chopping, and go through their series of old famous catch phrases, which Road Dogg was the master of back then. I’ve been watching old episodes of Raw from 13 years ago, and while I used to love Road Dogg’s longwinded speech-phrases, hearing them again, and realizing how repetitive and loooooong they are, I now find it excessive and grating. But here, he thankfully keeps it short and gives up the mic to Triple H, who winds up a very long and kinda rambley version of his “LET’S GET READY TO SUCK IT” thing. After a weird little comedy bit between Billy Gunn, Triple H and Shawn Michaels, they awkwardly fumble through trying to say some catchphrase together.
Suddenly, Damien Sandow’s music plays, and he walks in, denouncing DX as “common degenerates” who compose themselves crudely. He also recognizes that they could all kick his ass, and after pointing out this fact, he says their would be attack of them would make him a martyr. DX decide what to do together in a group huddle, which Sandow calls them rude for doing. They then of course, attack him, and prove Sandow right. I like(d) DX, back when they came off as a ragtag group of rebels who were fighting against authority figures, but this really just kinda makes them come off as a bunch of “cool guy” jocks who are bullying people to get cheers from the on looking crowd.
After that, we come back from a break to Jim Ross making his entrance, to join the announcer’s table for the night.
This was a pretty typical 6-Man Heel Vs Face tag team match. Probably the most interesting thing about it is that it was Jericho’s 360th match on Raw, which is a pretty damn high number any way you think about it. While seeing Rey Mysterio and Sin Cara on the same team makes sense to me, other than the fact that they’re all faces, I don’t understand their team up with Sheamus. Then again, Jericho, Alberto Del Rio and Dolph Ziggler have no reason to be on the same team either, so at least it’s fair while being totally arbitrary. The match went through the paces, building up to a hot tag to Sheamus, where Sheamus and Jericho went at it for a while, until Dolph Ziggler, who as it was established last week, has beef with Jericho, ended up laying a cheap shot on Jericho, letting Sheamus get the brogue kick in, and winning for his team.
While this match was a bit underwhelming, I’m enjoying the slow burn on the Jericho/Ziggler feud, because Heel/Heel feuds can be the great when done right, and when you have two guys who are both as talented on the mic and ring as ZIggler and Jericho, you’ve got as close to a sure thing on your hands as possible. Knowing WWE though, they’ll find some horrific way to screw it up, but I’d like to remain optimistic, simply because they’re both so entertaining to watch. The only wrench in that machine is the fact that Sheamus has the WHC title right now, and as long as Ziggler doesn’t have the title, then the stakes between Jericho and Ziggler won’t be as high as they could be. This whole angle could go one of two ways:
1.) They continue feuding, and they include Sheamus in it. They all argue with each other for a few weeks until a PPV comes up and then they fight in a Triple Threat match for the title, that Sheamus will win because blleeeeeeeaaagghhhhh.
2.) With the rumors of Jericho leaving WWE and retiring for good, and with Ziggler taunting Jericho last week about “having lost it”, and being on a losing streak in general, they turn it into a last dying hurrah sort of thing. Jericho goes full-bore into committing himself to destroy Ziggler, and launches himself into a suicidal match against Ziggler, where the loser leaves WWE forever. Ziggler then pulls a Bane on Jericho’s Batman, and breaks him once and for all (these are Knightfall spoilers, not DKR spoilers so shut up), and Jericho retires from being Batman Y2J forever. Ziggler comes out on top as the new force within Gotham WWE Universe, and makes a long speech about how he is the WWE’s reckoning. Then, as Jericho writhes in pain from the worlds most brutal Zig-Zag, Ziggler gives Jericho his permission to die. (okay, so maybe some of those references were DKR related, but c’mon that movie was awesome!)
But goddamnit we all know it’s gonna be #1. It’d be nice to see this again though.
I’ll never get tired of this .GIF
What is this? Why are you on my wrestling show?
After some Tout nonsense, which I refuse to write about, other than mentioning it here, Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler make a Skype call to effing Charlie Sheen, who very quickly manages to say something subtly racist about Sheamus, and at the same time be really boring. Why he was even there, I don’t understand, but Cole and Lawler make it a point that it won’t be the last time we see him on the show tonight.
Holy crap. The next segment of the show, is literally one of the strangest things I’ve ever seen on wrestling, EVER, and that’s including Mae Young giving birth to a hand. In fact, it’s in direct relation to that, because I couldn’t even write about this segment for a solid 10 minutes after. My mouth was agape the entire time, and I was so surprised I laughed for almost that entire 10 minutes, until my sides hurt and was gasping for air. But here goes: After the weird Charlie Sheen moment, we cut to AJ’s dressing room, where she stands with Layla, both preparing their makeup. Layla asks AJ if she’s sure she wants to go through with this, and implies that she’s still mentally unstable. AJ then makes the most brilliant point ever, and says that EVERYTHING in the WWE is unstable. Batshit crazy things happen here ALL THE TIME. Well, she didn’t say those words exactly, but she did open the door to see Hacksaw Jim Duggan, walking backwards and saying his catchphrase to an unseen friend, all the while holding his 2×4. Then we see Roddy Piper and R-Truth trying to help Little Jimmy jump rope, because apparently people can see him now, including Layla. I’m not sure If I already wrote a piece on how Little Jimmy started out as a brilliant defensive colloquialism to separate and insult those who R-Truth believed were antagonizing him from behind the scenes, while simultaneously illustrate how the WWE Fandom is a collective entity that casts judgement unfairly on deserving talent, by giving them an all a Good’ Ol’ Boy nick name. That may have been looking a bit too into it, but I prefer to see my wrestling gimmicks as high brow as I can, when I can. Now, Little Jimmy is just an invisible child? Maybe? I’m still not sure if he’s a kid or a midget actually. It’s very unclear. Either way, he then “runs away”, and Truth and Piper chase after him.
Hoo boy. Here it comes. Then AJ and Layla see something off camera, that silences them. The camera pans over, and we see a man in a giant hand suit, standing there next to Mae Young. He claims to be Mae Young’s son, now all grown up.
I shit you not. A man, in a giant hand suit, was there. That has got to be the most AMAZINGLY WEIRD and awesome call back of all time, because I was SURE the WWE wanted to forget Mae Young giving birth to that hand as badly as possible. After seeing this bit, as I previously said, I probably tore a muscle from laughing so hard. Say what you will about the WWE, they manage to STILL surprise you no matter what. Jesus god.
This match was so quick, that I’m positive that Funkasaurus’ entrance was once again longer than the actual match. Before the match actually starts, Funkasaurus invites up Dude Love to the ring. Dude Love stands there, and the match begins. Jack Swagger is on a now recognized “losing streak”, and barely even gets a single move in before he gets squashed by Funkasaurus. Then Funkasaurus dances with Dude Love, who puts on a tie-dye Mr. Socko to put the mandible claw on Swagger, because the WWE Universe couldn’t give a shit about Jack Swagger, and punishing him relentlessly for trying to wrestle is now “in”.
After that “match”, we see Trish Stratus backstage with Triple H, who is coaching him on how to do advanced Yoga poses like “bend over slightly”. Then the rest of DX walk in and quickly start making gay jokes because bending over is always gay and yoga is for gay dummies AMIRITE GUYS? Well, then the rest of DX walks away, leaving X-Pac in the room with Trish, who then proceeds to put on the creepiest of creep moves on her, and we cut away pondering what dark fate she’ll succumb to left alone with X-Pac. Hopefully she just slaps away his groping hands and leaves, because we all know X-Pac sucks. We see Daniel Bryan standing in a garage, talking with a bunch of dudes who look like asylum orderlies, you know, the men in the white shirts? It was at this moment that I then began to become worried. What if this whole time Daniel Bryan really DIDN’T love AJ? What if all this was a ruse to get her committed? If so, it’d be one of the most effective Heel moves in history, because even I would have to admit that Daniel Bryan’s character arc with AJ ending in this way would be a pretty indefensible.
Now, the actual wedding itself. Jerry Lawler introduces the reverend for the wedding, which turns out to be Slick. Who… Ok, I’m just gonna have to man up and admit this guy is before my time, and apparently everybody else’s, because I have no idea who he is, and neither did the crowd. He came out, said some strange things about yardbirds, and Daniel Bryan quickly makes his way into the ring/chapel. Then AJ walks out in her bride’s dress, looking goddamned gorgeous.
I will see her in this dress again one day, and it will be at OUR wedding.
Daniel Bryan then goes on to make some very sweet vows, and when asked to take AJ’s hand in marriage, of course, says yes. When AJ is asked the same thing, she chants yes as well, but then adds an addendum, that she is NOT saying yes to him, but is accepting a proposal from ANOTHER MAN. At that point, Mr. McMahon enters, and says that he isn’t marrying AJ, but that she’s accepted a business proposal. He announces her as the new Raw General Manager, and leaves. AJ then throws her bouquet at Daniel Bryan, and leaves, YES-ing the entire way out of the building.
I have such mixed feelings about this bit, because on one hand, I really felt that Daniel Bryan’s character really had fallen back in love with AJ, and was trying to make things right between them both, as they both moved on together. On the other hand, I was proven right all along about AJ’s endgame. She really WAS playing everyone against each other, to manipulate herself into the coveted GM position of Raw. All along she knew exactly what she was doing, just as I’ve been saying. This could also be the beginnings of a face turn for Daniel Bryan, because you’d be heartless to not feel any sympathy for a dude who was left at the alter, has his heart-broken, and now has a former fiancée as his general manager to deal with. Then CM Punk walks out, and while he says he’s not there to rub this in Daniel Bryan’s face, c’mon, he totally is.This is actually now pretty fitting, considering the ending of tonight’s show, but more on that later. Daniel Bryan then argues with Punk about who is the best in the world, or more accurately, who is the greatest superstar of all time, until The Rock enters the ring, because he’s now considered the greatest of all time. While that’s a sentiment I don’t quite agree with, I don’t disagree with it either. He’s definitely ONE of the greatest of all time, but I have no idea or clue as to how to rank someone as THE greatest. Regardless, Rock comes out to re-iterate how he plans to win the championship come this years Royal Rumble, from whoever is the champion, be it Punk, Daniel Bryan, Big Show, or Cena. Punk says it’ll be him, Bryan says it’ll be him. The Rock leaves, and now we have a championship match to look forward to in… many months. Whoopee.
Bret Hart enters the ring, and says a few words regarding his Intercontinental Championship, sounding as Canadian as possible. I seriously don’t remember him sounding as Canadian as he did here, but I guess years out of the WWE would ruin your Americanized diction. Anyhow, he introduces Christian, the current IC champion, and The Miz. The Miz and Christian made a pretty good pairing against each other, since their move sets complemented each other well. This new Post-Crisis Miz is by far a more serious contender than he ever used to be, and while he hasn’t expressly changed his gimmick, his demeanor gives him the affectation of an actual wrestler who can be taken seriously now, rather than the former-reality-star-turned-wrestler-for-fun thing he had previously. With this new attitude, he weakens Christian’s knee during the match, attacks it systematically, and counters a bunch of Christian’s moves until he lands his Skull Crushing Finale on him, and picks up the win, and the Intercontinental Title.
I couldn’t have been more happy with this outcome, because I love The Miz, I love the Intercontinental Title being a championship that is coveted rather than ignored or looked down on. I like championship matches happening on Raw, and I like titles trading hands on Raw. Everything about this match was stellar, and even if it’s literally an hour and 40 minutes into the episode, and we’ve so far had about 15 actual minutes of wrestling at most, this kind of match is the thing that should be happening on future episodes. It’s awesome. Like The Miz.
Charlie Sheen returns on Skype, and comments on Daniel Bryan’s character, plugs his show, and then criticizes him for how he treats women, which is just so insane coming from him, but whatever. I can’t imagine why they picked Charlie Sheen of all people to be their special guest star, but they did, for reasons I’ll never know or even understand if I did.
After a video package from Regis Philbin about how much he loves the WWE (Weird, I know), we get Triple H returning to the ring, to continue the very boring and stupid Brock Lesnar storyline feud he has with him. Let me explain why I find this feud boring to you. First, they’re both pretty dumb, especially Triple H for reasons I’ve pointed out in this column previously, but also Brock Lesnar for mostly squandering all the myriad amazing chances he’s been handed on a silver platter his whole life. Without going into full detail, the guy has been given every opportunity to do a lot of great things in his life that other people would break their backs and kiss endless amounts of ass to even get a shot at doing, and Brock Lesnar has shamelessly and selfishly shunned the lot of them, because he found them boring. In short, he’s a quitter, so that’s one legitimate gripe Triple H has with Lesnar’s character.
So when Paul Heyman came out in place of Brock Lesnar, I feared the worst, that this would be another 3 WHOLE MONTHS of teasing to advance what should have been a 1 month storyline at best, that could have ended 3 PPV’s ago. The entire thing is a waste of everyone’s time, and even Paul Heyman continually pointing out how stupid Triple H is doesn’t make this segment not boring. Paul even makes a great jab at Triple H about how inept he’s been, and how counterintuitive it is towards his goal of doing things that are good for “This Business”. Paul then passively mentions Triple H’s kids, when making a very solid and salient point about Triple H’s character, which enrages Triple H, and apparently also makes Stephanie McMahon mad as well, because she enters the ring. She goes on with the same rhetoric of You-Don’t-Talk-About-My-Kids-OR ELSE crap that Triple H does, and ignores the whole legal trouble that they’re in with Heyman, and provokes another potential lawsuit by attacking him. It’s like the McMahon family doesn’t understand what due process, assault and battery, or lawsuits even mean. They’re all convinced that Triple H beating Brock Lesnar will somehow fix all of these things. Paul Heyman gets all riled up after he’s slapped by Stephanie, and accepts the challenge on behalf of Triple H. Heyman then mentions Stephanie’s kids again, and she of course, attacks him again, because god that family is dumb. Brock Lesnar’s music comes on, and Triple H and him trade a series of blows, until Triple H knocks Lesnar out of the ring, and Lesnar does the typical Slow Walk Backwards up the ramp thing, that all defeated heels do. This whole thing was a waste of time, because they could have done this months ago, and it may have been less lame, because it didn’t waste so much stupid time over such a stupid subject.
Coming back from a particularly long commercial break, Santino and Hornswoggle (ugh) both walk out, giving out little WWE dolls to the kids in the audience. They then leave or disappear or something, because Heath Slater then enters and steps into the ring, and makes an open challenge to any former WWE Raw legend to a No-DQ, no count out match. Lita’s music comes on, and she walks out, dressed in what looks like a bra and yoga pants to the ring.
She’s actually hotter now than I remember her being.
Slater then incredulously accepts her challenge, and has the bell rung. Lita then says she’s not here alone, and says she’s hired some protection, which of course, means the APA walk out. Slater then attempts to retreat, but is stopped by all of the previous WWE Raw legends, who have now amassed as a group, and force him back into the ring. The APA attacks Slater, and Lita pulls off her Twist of Fate/Moonsault combo on him, to win. The legends all stand around the fallen Slater, and Farooq grabs a mic, standing directly above him. He looks around, and lets out a loud “DAMN”, thus bringing the Heath Slater/Legends feud to an end.
After that, we cut to Daniel Bryan being interviewed backstage, who complains about being insulted by Charlie Sheen. He seems pretty rattled by Charlie Sheen’s words (really?), and says he’d put the YES-Lock on him if he ever saw him. Back to Michael Cole, we see him standing there interviewing the 100,000,000th social media follower, who gets to have a few words about loving the WWE, and afterward, Lawler makes a weird segue into a video package about catchphrases.
So yeah, that sure was a video package of catchphrases! Wokka Wokka! Oh god kill me.
After the video package, we cut to Zack Ryder and John Cena talking about G-TV with Gene Okerlund. The Rock then steps into frame, and he and Cena talk about their potential future match at the Royal Rumble. It certainly seems like that’s the match we’ll be getting come this Royal Rumble, especially in light of the show’s later events, but yet again, more on that later.
So I guess Jinder Mahal, who is now the king of the boring jobbers, walks out with his now jobber posse, and attempts to surround and beat down Kane, because…. Kane… is… a guy? I don’t know exactly. As they surround him, we hear the ominous BONG of the Undertaker’s bell theme song. He appears wearing his Super-Shredder suit, and sloooowly walks his way into the ring. At first it seemed like he was going to fight Kane, but they quickly team up to attack the gaggle of jobbers, who stupidly initiate the fight against them both. After a series of punches, tandem chokeslams, and tandem Tombstones, they pose together, as the Brothers Of Destruction once again. I’m not sure if this was anything other than a cameo for Taker, or a wrap up to the long love/hate relationship between Kane and Undertaker, or even a new beginning. Either way, it was pretty cool.
They just can’t quit each other.
Ugh, once more we’ve got Charlie Sheen returning to speak with Cole and Lawler, and he claims that he’ll actually end up fighting Daniel Bryan, if he ever ends up in LA, effectively challenging Daniel Bryan to a match. Cole then points out that the next time they’ll be in LA is at Summerslam, which means I suppose we’ll see Daniel Bryan get jobbed out to Charlie Sheen, which is the biggest downgrade possible. Hopefully this isn’t the case. Hopefully we’ll see Bryan get his due, or continue his feud with CM Punk, or literally anything else than a stupid celebrity match.
Ignoring how this match is a complete waste of the Money In The Bank contract, and how much that annoys me, I can say this match started off like a typical CM Punk/ John Cena match. Which isn’t bad per se, but it’s a bit formulaic. So Cena tries his 5 moves, Punk finds creative ways to counter them and gain the upper hand. Eventually, Cena counters a counter into the Attitude Adjustment, and accidentally knocks the Ref out of the ring.With the Ref incapacitated, Big Show enters, and WMD’s Cena, knocking him out cold. He leaves, and CM Punk has some internal conflict about whether or not to take advantage of Cena in his knocked out state. He rouses the Ref, and attempts the pin, but Robo-Cena kicks out. Punk attempts the GTS, and Cena counters into the STF, and what with The Rock wanting his match against Cena at this years Royal Rumble, there’s an actual chance Punk could lose. Just as Punk begins to look like he’s gonna tap, Big Show attacks again, ending the match in a DQ. He then continues attacking Cena, while Punk watches from a distance, looking on as if confused as to what to do. The Rock then comes to Cena’s rescue, and beats down Big Show, and attempts the People’s Elbow, but it’s INTERRUPTED by CM Punk, who clotheslines THE SHIT out of The Rock.
Then he taunts Rock by mocking his signature pre-Rock Bottom taunt, and puts The Rock to sleep.
It’s as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced.
That’s right, CM Punk has turned heel.
Punk looks towards the camera, grabs his title, and walks away solemnly to increasing amounts of boo’s from the audience. The end. Amazing.
So yeah, a strong finish to an overall entertaining Raw, despite the fact that there was very little actual wrestling in it, just as I predicted. However, the wrestling that was there, was pretty good. I’m mostly excited by Punk’s heel turn, because it’s something I’ve been calling for a while now, as he never truly acted like a real baby face to begin with. In addition to that, the match this Royal Rumble is so clearly going to be Cena VS Rock 2, so this is a way for Punk to lose the championship and the mainstream fans won’t go insane with Cena hatred. I’m also hoping this is the beginning of a face-turn for Daniel Bryan, but the whole Charlie Sheen thing seems to be suggesting that that’s not the case. In a perfect world, Daniel Bryan would have a face turn, and him and Punk would switch roles in their feud, with Punk being the bastard heel, and Daniel Bryan being the former bad guy learning from his mistakes, trying to make things right.
Anyhow, 1000 episodes. Man, where the hell was Stone Cold Steve Austin? Is he just dead? Or does he hate the WWE now? Oh well. See you in 2031, when we get to the 2000th episode, now 5 hours* long!
Well here we stand, the night after Wrestlemania. Whether you loved it or hated it, there were good and bad things to come of it. One of the good things was evident right at the beginning of Raw with Jim Ross commentating alongside the King Jerry Lawler, as it should be. I’m not too sure if I could handle listening to the phony ass Michael Cole sitting in his glass box for another night. I can handle two commentators and one being a little biased towards one wrestler, but it should at least have some thought put into it. It shouldn’t just be Cole babbling in favor of a heel just because Lawler favors the opposite wrestler. Of course we shouldn’t expect not to see Cole anymore, because Ross brings up a rumor to Lawler of Cole being at Raw and supposedly wanting a match. Didn’t we suffer through that last night?
Probably the most decent match at Wrestlemania 27
The first person to come out and speak at the beginning of Raw was surprisingly not the Miz to gloat about another one of his assisted title defenses, but it was Triple H. He came out to speak about how unbelievable his match against the Undertaker was last night and even went so far as to thank the “Dead Man” for one of the best matches of his life. He also adds that when the Undertaker returns (he was carried out by stretcher last night) that he’ll be waiting. So does this mean that we will see another Undertaker injury hiatus? And that the next Wrestlemania will be Triple H and the Taker again?
Vintage Scum-Bag Cole
In the next segement we are unfortunately subjected to the moronic Michael Cole coming out to challenge Jerry Lawler to a rematch which Lawler happily agrees to and promptly enters the ring. I’m thinking, why do we have to see the same thing we saw at Wrestlemania last night? But then it turns out Cole is talking about Lawler having a rematch with Jack Swagger whom he fought last Raw. Wow… even better we get to see a freakin’ match from before Wrestlemania. Lame. The match goes on for a short time with Lawler getting the upper hand (he still has the moves!) until Cole interferes long enough for Swagger to get Lawler into the ankle lock submission hold to which Lawler taps out. But the call is reversed because Swagger won’t break the hold after the bell. This of course angers Cole who proceeds to spray JR with a bottle of barbeque sauce until Ross goes after him. I really really want Michael Cole to go away. Unfortunately he is back on the commentator scene when Raw resumes from commercial. From barbeque sauce to weak sauce.
“IN THE FACE!”
Thank God that his tirade about Ross ends as Randy Orton’s theme music blares throughout the arena, followed by the entrance of his tag team partner Rey Mysterio. They are set to wrestle in yet another rehash of their opponents from last night: CM Punk and Cody Rhodes. Yawn. Aside from it being the same matchups from last night, it is interesting to see Orton and his former Legacy underling Cody Rhodes going at it again. And I like the mismatched pairing of Orton and Mysterio, because they are polar opposites but both extremely talented in their own way. After a match lasting through two commercial breaks, Orton sets Rhodes up for a 619 from Mysterio which staggers him…straight into a waiting RKO from the Viper. Match over as CM Punk runs away from the ring.
A quick in between matches: Stone Cold Steve Austin is certainly in the building, congratulating a passing Triple H for one helluva match last night. Also there was a promo for the imminent arrival of luchador Sin Cara who was recently acquired by the WWE. It will be interesting indeed to see what he brings to the table.
“And so he did.”
As Raw returns we are welcomed back with Austin coming out to the ring. Unfortunately it doesn’t look like Austin will do any ass whooping as he brings out the cast of Tough Enough to the ring to make introductions. (Austin and Booker T are both on Tough Enough if you didn’t know) None of them really stood out to me except one. Maybe the guy with the afro, but that was just because he had an afro. The other one that stood out was Rima Fakih, obviously because she is super hot and a Michigan native where I hail from. I would absolutely be loving it if she was the next Diva. The Miz, the worst WWE champion since Sheamus, interrupts the whole thing with his butt buddy Alex Reiley. He proceeds to talk down to the Tough Enough kids and promptly challenging Austin to a match. Austin agrees as the ring clears out, but instead of Miz attacking A-Rei does. It was pretty satisfying to see Austin back in action to stomp Alex Reiley’s ass for a couple minutes. Afterwards Austin has a beer with the Tough Enough crew and throws a couple into Cole’s glass turd box to get him wet.
Rima Fakih – Former Miss USA
Even though I’m not a big fan of Alberto Del Rio, it is refreshing to see an original match as he faces off against Evan Bourne. Del Rio was curiously absent his car and usual grinning face as he came out for the match. It’s a typical Evan Bourne match where the little fella is outgunned by his almost always bigger opponent. He manages to execute one high flying maneuver but misses and ends getting put into the crossover submission. Chalk one up for Del Rio, but if he wants to get back on the road to credibility he needs to fight someone a little more formidable than Bourne. And also he needs to get a new car.
Del Rio in Full Spanish Soap Opera Mode
When we returned from a commercial break I nearly gagged on my water hearing Vicki Guerrero’s voice echoing throughout the arena. Apparently we get a matchup of Vicky and Dolph Zigler v.s. John Morrison and Trish Stratus. Almost the same matchup from Wrestlemania last night minus that strumpet Snooki. That should make me happy but I am nonetheless still completely uncaring about this matchup so I’ll keep it brief: Morrison and Stratus win and we all move on with our lives.
WARNING: VOMIT INDUCING
Next on the agenda is Sheamus, who’s match at Wrestlemania was not aired last night. So we are at least treated to a rematch for the United States Championship Belt, with Sheamus defending. I really couldn’t care less about Daniel Bryan. Everything about him is boring, from his look to his theme music. To me he is just not superstar material. Needless to say I was hoping for Sheamus to win and he did. I think he may have found his niche in the WWE with being the United States Champion, because he definitely wasn’t cutting it as WWE champion. Much like the Miz he never defended the title successfully without interference or douche-baggery. Perhaps they can somehow make the United States Championship a legitimate title, especially since the aforementioned Sin Cara came out to stop Sheamus from pummeling Daniel Bryan some more after the match. I believe Sin Cara can definitely bring a little more excitement to the WWE and what it is desperately suffering from a lack of… something different. His super high flying manuever from the top ropes onto Sheamus outside of the ring was definitely impressive. Radical man….
Look out Mysterio… There’s a new masked Mexican in town.
Now to the finale that they have been going on and on about the whole show. “John Cena calls out The Rock”. Lord knows they needed a whole segment for this nonsense of the predictable walking talking cliche John Cena to come out and spew his slang riddled rhetoric. Cena did his typical, “I lost and congrats to my opponent” bit before calling out the Rock, who obliges with a stroll out to the ring. The Rock goes on for a few minutes about Cena and Cena even brings up Rock’s terrible movie “The Tooth Fairy” before coming out with the obvious challenge. The Rock vs John Cena. Even though I hate Cena, it would be a great match if these two went toe to toe. It obviously won’t happen on this Raw and not even in a pay per view this year… they are talking about Wrestlemania 28 next year. I admit I will have forgotten about this in about a month. So someone please remind me about it every now and then, because I’m sure the WWE won’t bombard us with it nearly every week! But it doesn’t end here, the Corre of stupidity decides to run out and ruin the moment before Cena and Rock can shake on it. They have the upper hand at first but are of course pummeled by two of the biggest superstars in the business. Cena and Rock finally shake on it, setting an extremely early stage for next year’s Wrestlemania 28.
Wrestlemania officially came and went tonight. It sometimes sizzled, but most times fizzled. I watched it with my brother tonight, getting that nostalgic feeling watching it at times. And yes… we both know and have known for a very long time that wrestling is indeed fake. However, this is a tradition we do try to keep every year and it was for the most part very entertaining. Certain wrestlers we thought would emerge victorious did not in several matches, especially in the first match that we will start with.
Championship Match: Alberto Del Rio V.S. Edge
Surprisingly the first match of the night was for the World Heavyweight Championship belt that is usually retained by the champion on Smackdown, which is currently held by the Rated R Superstar Edge. His challenger… this year’s Royal Rumble winner Alberto Del Rrrrrrrriiiioooooo! And yes, he is a rich Mexican themed wrestler who drives out to every match in a Rolls-Royce. But down to business…
I thought for sure Del Rio was going to come out on top for this one. This guy has been built up on Smackdown for months now and it all culminated with a shocking win in the Royal Rumble. I knew for sure he wasn’t going to challenge the WWE Champion from Raw, so it was a given it would be a Del Rio/Edge matchup at Wrestlemania. What I didn’t bank on was Del Rio losing to Edge. I’m not so sure this will be the end of their feud nor the end of Del Rio as a contender, but one thing is for sure – Del Rio looked like a whiny little bitch after the match while Edge beat the crap out of his Rolls-Royce with a crowbar. I don’t know about you guys but I’d be intervening ASAP on someone smashing a car that nice.
Overall this was a pretty entertaining match, with little interference by those outside the ring by Del Rio’s ring announcer Ricardo and the rotund Brodus Clay. Plenty of spears and arm breakers to go around. Winner: Edge
Cody Rhodes v.s. Rey Mysterio
In this match we were able to see the Rhodes/Mysterio feud come to a head. You see, the once Dashing Cody Rhodes has recently had to wear a face mask to protect his face from further damage after reconstructive surgery. He needed the surgery, he claims, due to the devastating 619 Mysterio gave to him months ago. Apparently Rey Mysterio’s knee brace added a little more power to the infamous move.
One interesting moment was before the match began as Mysterio entered the arena wearing a Captain America styled outfit. I can only say at least he took off the ridiculous red gloves before the match started. A valiant effort Rey, but maybe you should lay off the superhero them.
The match itself wasn’t overly long, but filled with all the high-flying maneuvers that Rey Mysterio is famous for. The match took a ridiculous turn when Cody’s mask was removed (Interestingly I didn’t see any sign of facial reconstruction.) and used by Rey to headbutt him several times. Then to top it off, Cody used Rey’s own knee brace to pummel him and then finish the match with the Crossroads. Sorry little Rey, but maybe you can get some revenge on Raw tonight. Winner: Cody Rhodes
The Corre V.S. Kane, Big Show, Santino and Kofi
This match was a bit useless and thankfully short. Though it had plenty of superstars I normally enjoy, any match where the walking joke Santino leads them to a win is enough to make me puke. After starting the match, it instantly gets out of control once Big Show gets in to start destroying Heath Slater. After Ezekiel gets in to take out Big Show there is a flurry of specialty moves occurring left and right. Santino then does his patented Cobra strike to Heath Slater and Big Show finishes him off with a ham sized fist to the face, winning the match with a pinfall. I think the match lasted all of six minutes, so thanks for the throwaway match WWE. And also please fire Santino. Winners: Kane, Big Show, Santino and Kofi Kingston.
Losers x4
Randy Orton V.S. CM Punk
Straight Edge Scumbag
Another match with no title hanging in the balance, only a possible end to another long running feud between two fan favorite superstars. After all the skull kicking CM Punk and his Nexus minions have received from Randy’s foot, tonight was the night to end it all hopefully. The match was nothing special, but well paced and ending in true Randy Orton style…. with a mid-air RKO to end the match. Again, I am very pleased with the absence of all the outside interference that ruins the pay per view matches. Now maybe Randy Orton can get back into the race for the WWE Championship that has eluded him these past months. I can’t tell anymore if people want to see Randy as a hero or villain (Face or Heel). Personally I want to see him back at his twisted sadistic self, but against someone other than John Cena. Winner: Randy Orton
Orton loves kicking skulls…
Jerry Lawler V.S. Michael Cole
“Uhhh Derrrr…”
I couldn’t wait for this match because I’ve been aching to see Michael Cole get a real good beating because quite frankly I can’t freakin’ stand him. Hearing him drone on with obvious bias to the villains in each match was bad enough but then before the match we had to hear him even more on his trek to the ring. At least Stone Cold Steve Austin busted out on a four-wheeler to shut the little weasel up for a bit.
After Lawler comes out and some prodding to get Cole in the ring the match finally starts with Jack Swagger in Cole’s corner and Steve Austin as the special referee. Cole gets a cheap shot in on Lawler and beats on him for a bit until Lawler finally gets ahold of him. Swagger actually tries to throw in the towel to call the match off which Stone Cold promptly uses to wipe off the sweat from his bald head before giving Mr. Swagger a Stone Cold Stunner. Lawler proceeds to whoop on Cole until he taps out from an ankle lock submission hold. Cue applause and Austin and Lawler enjoy a few beers together in the ring before the general manager sends and e-mail announcement that commentator Josh Matthews reads to the audience.
It turns out the still “anonymous” general manager of Raw thought that Austin interfered too much on Lawler’s behalf and disqualifies him making Cole the actual winner. This must have been hard to announce given the fact that Michael Cole recently called Matthews a “faggot” over twitter. To make matters even worse in a stunning move (pun intended) Lawler throws Matthews in the ring to get a Stunner from Austin. Talk about killing the messenger. Inexplicably, Austin’s Tough Enough partner in crime Booker T leaves the commentators table to join Austin and Lawler in celebrating by doing his famous break dancing in the middle of the ring. Then, in what I thought was the funniest part of the night, Booker T begins to drink a beer offered to him by Austin before he is also given a Stone Cold Stunner. A huge geyser of spit out beer and Booker T on the ground follows with Austin smiling and saying something to the effect of – “I had to do it.” Vintage Austin. Official Winner: Michael Cole
Undertaker V.S. Triple H
“Nice hammer….”
This was the match that I think everyone including myself were waiting for and it was by far the best match of the night. Sure there weren’t any titles on the line or even a career long feud between the two. Triple H was just the next obvious choice to attempt breaking the Undertaker’s unbeaten Wrestlemania streak which at this point stood at 18-0. To make it even better this was a no holds barred, no disqualifications or count out match and these two superstars definitely took it to the limit.
They broke the spanish commentators’ table of course. They used the steel steps and a nice folding chair. They both executed their specialty moves, with Triple H using at least two Pedigrees on the Taker. But pin after pin neither of these wrestling behemoths would yield. In the coolest moment of the match, Triple H gave the Undertaker his own move: the tombstone piledriver. To add insult to injury, Triple H even pinned the Undertaker as he himself would but shockingly the phenom kicked out of the pin. Triple H finally resorted to going beneath the ring for his patented tool the trusty sledgehammer to finish things but was surprised by being locked into the Taker’s submission move the Hell’s Gate. After what seemed like an eternity Triple H finally gave several weakened taps of the hand to signal his surrender and now the record still stands…. 19-0. I have to admit I thought that Triple H might win the match and end the Undertaker’s streak but now I think the WWE will let him retire with the record intact, maybe after win number 20. Winner: The Undertaker
Snooki, Trish Stratus and John Morrison V.S. Laycool and Dolph Zigler
“I can haz cheezburger?”
This is actually a match that I couldn’t give a dead moose’s last crap about, because I hate Jersey Shore and everyone involved in it. Especially Snooki. But I will definitely let you know who won so we can stop wasting time with it. Snooki, Stratus and John Morrison won the match after we had to see the horrendous Snooki do a front flip and expose her jelly rolls to all. Thank you for that WWE. Winners: Who cares.
Main Event: Cena V.S. Miz (Champion)
This match was very much like the Jericho/Triple H follow up to the Hulk Hogan/Rock match-up at Wrestlemania 18; it’s a tough act to follow up. Try as this match might, it could not live up to the Undertaker-Triple H match that took place earlier in the night. It came down to the same stuff we see Cena and Miz doing nearly every Monday night and it just bored me. I fully expected Cena to win and when he didn’t I suppose that was the only surprise to come of it. I hate Cena but I definitely hate the Miz more so I was actually pulling for Cena to come out on top. The short match actually had a couple of surprising twists. Cena destroys Miz outside of the ring, at one point hurting himself too resulting in their joint count out. The title then stays in Miz’s hands. But wait, the Rock who is the host of this Wrestlemania comes out and begins to read a new e-mail from the general manager before stopping and smashing the computer. Rock then declares that the match will restart with no disqualifications or count outs. The match commences and in annoying fashion the Rock interferes with a Rock Bottom for Cena. The Miz pins him and wins. But the Rock isn’t finished, because he proceeds to attack the Miz also and gives him the most electrifying move in sports! (The People’s Elbow.) So a very lackluster ending to Wrestlemania which left a sour taste in my mouth. I was glad to have The Rock back but what a stupid way to end the biggest wrestling event of the year. Boo! Winner: The Miz
The only way Seamus could get worse.
Anytime AJ referees she has to do this, and it’s pretty spectacular
Grizzly Bomb 